NUVO wishes to apologize 

[this story is satire]

[this story is satire] Swept away by the excitement of broadcast journalism’s so-called “Sweeps” period, NUVO wishes to apologize for its irresponsible participation. After all, “Sweeps” does not affect print journalism and their own audience-auditing process. However, given the frenzy to tell exciting stories, and thus up the television ratings, NUVO admits it did get caught up in the fun. Therefore, we would herein like to retract, in part or in whole, the following stories: • Our story last week on a series of underground tunnels that snake beneath the city in a kind of labyrinth, trapping children and stray animals along with the occasional adult in a hellish, dangerous and barely-lit environment, was fabricated. Nor is it true that there is a Minotaur in these tunnels waiting to kill and eat the above-mentioned children, animals and occasional adult. Finally, it is not true that the Goldsmith Administration was responsible for building these tunnels as a means of escape. • Speaking of mayors: Our investigation into Mayor Bart Peterson’s fender-bender last week was misguided when we quoted a local hothead saying the mayor staged the accident as a means of getting public sympathy. This hothead, whose name will go unspoken, will never be quoted again as a source, nor is he welcome at my house even if he is married to my sister. • Our story last week that the DOT had originally planned to name “Hyperfix” by another title was completely made up in an effort to woo readers to our pages. In our article, we said we uncovered a list of proposed titles, including “Urban Challenge Adventure,” “Quickie Between the Splits” and “Lickety-Splits.” In truth, our reporter, Egor S. Grand, admits now that he didn’t so much make up these alternative titles, but dreamed them, or perhaps even channeled them via an acausal entity named “Chesley.” • We deeply regret our report that the Bush Administration’s decision to rescind the $400 child tax credit for low income families was in fact an official policy and given the title “Leave All Poor Children Behind Act.” To the best of our knowledge, the Bush Administration has not given an official title to their offensive against poor children. • Mitch Daniels is the man many Republicans hope is Indiana’s next governor. While it is true that Daniels, while in office, oversaw unprecedented growth of deficits, it is not true that we were able to gain access to his checkbook to discover that he is overdrawn at his own bank, and thus unable to balance his own finances. Once again, Mr. Grand admits his “source” was the entity “Chesley.” • Our story that proposed the theory that human beings are motivated to make decisions by a “wizened little man” who resides in the brain was not so much untrue as unbalanced. We regret that we did not include the other accepted theory of decision-making: that human beings make up their minds by sifting through innumerable options until a “faceless, cloaked figure” whispers into their ear. Neither one, we speculate, is named “Chesley.” • Our report on a trend that reveals that people who are not journalists tend to think that journalists are self-serving and interested only in propelling themselves into the limelight wherein they can end up “content providers,” offering their wit and wisdom cross-medially, pollinating the populace via Internet, radio, TV, etc., was actually a truthfully-told story. We regret, however, that we made up a quote that attributed the charge of “asswipe” to a particular NUVO reporter. Egor S. Grand is not in fact an “asswipe” and the reporter of that story, Roscoe Steed, wishes to apologize personally to Egor. Roscoe hopes that the work environment here at NUVO will improve and that the two reporters can be in the same room at the same time without hurling things. • Our story detailing the need for protective helmets and goggles in the workplace was, just for the record, not made up. Nor did we make up the story about a small band of Southsiders who, convinced they’ve been abducted by aliens, are building a giant communications dish, comprised of 400 TV-satellite dishes. The giant dish, nearing completion, will sit in Bud Deckarding’s backyard, between the rusted out Chevy and the rusted out Ford. • In fact, according to our calculations, nearly 30 percent of our stories over the past few “Sweeps” weeks have been 100 percent truthful and we figure that’s pretty darn good. Unless, of course, this particular blurb is something we’ll have to retract or clarify next week. Stay tuned.

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