New at the State Fair 

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[this is satire]
As always, the Indiana State Fair offers the traditional fare of entertainment, rides, food and animals. This year, though, a number of new features are being presented, in hopes of further increasing patrons’ enjoyment.

Deep-Fried Cigarettes: On the heels of such delights as deep-fried Twinkies and deep-friend Oreos, White Bread Ed, revolutionary chef and a popular fixture at the ISF, has recently developed a product sure to please Hoosiers as it combines our citizens’ twin obsessions with deep-fried foods and nicotine. Watch as vendors dip whole trays of cigarettes into a sea of grease. Sprinkled with a light garnish of powdered sugar, it’s the appetizer or dessert.

Neutral Masks: As every parent knows, losing their children at the ISF is just part of the fun! This year, so-called “neutral masks” will be handed out to anyone under 35 inches tall who attends the fair. These expressionless masks instantly turn your kids into unidentifiable beings. Watch them run off, ride the rides, play the Midway games … while you can’t tell anyone apart. Who will YOU tuck into bed tonight? What a family adventure!

Horse Crap Contest: Everyone knows that horses — along with all our beloved state fair animals — just poop wherever they please. More power to them, we say. But this year, rather than turn away in mild embarrassment, we can witness an exciting feature that has been added to the roster of animal competitions: the Horse Crap Contest. Awards will be given for consistency, length, amount and a special award to the horse who can produce a turd that resembles a historical figure such as Jesus, Benjamin Franklin or Elvis.

The Incredible Animatronic Acrobatic Scarecrows: What says “Indiana” better than a scarecrow? Why, a scarecrow powered by the animabiotechnic science of our esteemed universities, that’s what! This year, for the first time ever, a group of six scarecrows will perform at the Grand Mainstage. Fair organizers promise an entertaining and mind-boggling performance by the scarecrows who, implanted with stimulating neural nodes, will recreate various dance styles such as Irish step, clogging and the ’70s-style “bump.” Will they break free from their computer puppetmasters and attack the fairgoers like in a horror movie? You’ll have to attend to find out!

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