[this is satire]
A story in today’s New York Thymes reports that reporters there received a leaked, secret document that sheds light on the Bush Administration’s recent drumbeat to invade Mongolia. Bush officials have maintained that Mongolia “is a terrorist threat, with ties to Al-Qaeda and 9/11.”
By early this week, troops had been mobilized, an action that required the call up of National Deodorant Guard members to leave their sanitation and perfume shop jobs to join the US forces.
Now, the leaked document may clarify the Administration’s true motivations. As reported in the NYThymes, “This paper, prepared by David Lambowicz in the Defense Department, states that Mongolia is ‘ripe for the taking.’” Citing Mongolia’s “deplorable standard of living and neo-prehistoric native population,” the document declares that “Mongolia, with its elysian terrain, would make a terrific giant golf course. Ultimately, the native population would welcome us, as excellent job opportunities would become immediately available.”
The document cites such employment niches as “caddies, grounds keepers, bartenders, and the guys who polish the clubs and balls.”
Declaring that the invasion of Mongolia is part of the New World Order, the document goes on to suggest that “once US forces have secured the country, we suggest changing its name to ‘Mongolfia,’ to signal to golfers worldwide that this is the place to be.”
The Bush Administration, reeling from the revelation, nevertheless denied any association with Lambowicz or the leaked document.
White House spokesperson Scott McScott told reporters “George W. Bush doesn’t even know where Mongolia is.” When asked by a reporter how Bush could have pushed for an invasion of a country whose whereabouts were unknown to him, McScott paused, then hastily clarified. “I meant to say that Bush doesn’t play golf…that well.”
McScott, at that point, ceased to take any more questions from reporters who were more than happy to take a break.