Local man arrested for exercising at home 

Local resident To

Local resident Tom Debooney was arrested yesterday when neighbors tipped authorities that Debooney was exercising in his home. Officers arrived at his Rocky Ripple home at approximately 11 a.m. on a Sunday and found a sweaty and panting Debooney dressed in sweatpants, tennis shoes and a T-shirt one officer described as "wet as a mop." The Prosecutor"s Office released a statement this morning, stating that Debooney "was exercising in his home instead of going to a local spa or health club. Nor was he using any home exercise unit, like those displayed on entertaining commercials and infomercials on television. In short, Debooney is in violation of Article 4 of the Homeland Insecurity Act, which compels community members to adhere to reasonable standards of conduct." Debooney"s neighbor, who requested anonymity, claimed he saw Debooney running up and down his staircase through Debooney"s windows. "At first, I thought he was forgetting something so he needed to go up and down the stairs more than once. But it kept happening, over and over again, until it dawned on me, the fool was exercising. I had to call the cops." Other neighbors described Debooney as "a loner," "real quiet" and "a guy who kept to himself." Another neighbor who declined to be identified remarked to reporters that "You just never know about people. It"s the ones who seem peaceful and not up to something that you have to keep your eye out for." After initially denying the charge, Debooney then claimed that a persistent arthritic condition necessitates that he "move my bones" every day. He maintained his car was malfunctioning and that was the reason he was obliged to exercise at home. Officers, when informed of this, went back to Debooney"s home and found his car in perfect working order. "It could be worse," stated Debooney"s public defender, Jan Harkindale. "He could have been cited for Pernicious Forgetfulness, which is a more serious violation in Article 5 of the Homeland Insecurity Act." Harkindale added that "We plan to plead innocent by reason of temporary insanity." Debooney will be released on bail, if he can raise the required amount. But since he is such a loner, that may prove difficult to do.

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