Kinsey Releases I-69 study 

[this is satire]

[this is satire]
The Kinsey Institute released a new study today on the sexual undercurrents in the push for a new-terrain Interstate 69 highway. The report, entitled “I-69: Everybody Gets Screwed,” finds that several Freudian and other psychological phenomenon seem to be behind the motivation of new-terrain I-69 boosters.

“Well of course, the very term ‘69’ is just loaded with overt connotations,” said Connie Lingus, spokesperson for the institute. “The problem with I-69 is that if it is built across farms and forests, there will not really be the mutually shared pleasure that one normally associates with the term ‘69.’ It’s as if placing the ‘I’ before ‘69’ implies a new, more selfish form of the typical ‘69’ position.”

One of the study’s findings was that many of the male new-terrain boosters seem to have a form of penis envy and/or erectile dysfunction. There was a particular fascination among male participants with “straight-line highways.” When interviewed for the study a common response was “... we want the most erect, er, I mean, direct route between Evansville and Indianapolis.”

Many of the tactics used by new-terrain boosters also resemble typical male dating and sexual tryst behavior: promises of benefits and pleasures beyond belief; a repetitious expression of a deep “need” for the highway; a yearning for it to be built “fast” and an almost obsessive desire to see bulldozers plowing into fertile soil and cement mixers gushing liquefied concrete between the undulating rounded hills of Southern Indiana. And unfortunately what often happens afterwards is that the female, or in this case, Southern Indiana, would feel used, dirty and abandoned.

The rejection of the notion of using upgraded, existing highways in favor of ramming the highway through virgin land also resembles the male fantasy of desiring a virgin bride. Many new-terrain boosters reject the idea of using U.S. 41 and I-70 for I-69 because they believe those roads are somehow “impure.”

When asked to comment on the Kinsey study, Voices for Paving Indiana spokesperson Phil Hatio said, “I resent being referred to as a new-terrain bustier, er, I mean booster.”

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