Election results forecast a return to hedonism

Election results forecast a return to hedonism
Several people have sought out my advice in the last week on the best way to interpret the election results. For hardcore liberal Democrats, the election was particularly depressing. Voters went to the polls last Tuesday and voted for war, depression and homeland insecurity. The Congress will no longer have statesmen such as Max Cleland serving in it. Used car salesmen, arms dealers and sweatshop owners will roam Capitol Hill now. Rambo will be appointed secretary of defense. Working families were the big losers in the vote, as were the elderly. It"ll take a few decades for us to undo the damage that will be inflicted on the country in the next two years. Get ready for retinal scans, interstate passports, the suspension of habeas corpus and military tribunals being set up at neighborhood shopping malls. On the other hand, times of repression bring out the most hedonistic impulses in people. There"s nothing like a little apocalyptic fervor to turn average people into party animals. That"s really my best advice to anyone distressed by the election: Party hardy. It"s really the best move at this point. You have no choice. I"m totally serious. You"ll never have a better opportunity in your lifetime to enjoy some good old fashioned debauchery. The next few years will be a golden age for partying. A window has opened. I speak from experience on this matter. Back in 1994, the Republicans, led by Newt Gingrich, took control of the House of Representatives and the Senate. Progressive thinking was immediately banned. Plans were drawn up for the revoking of the Bill of Rights. It was also the best time of my life. During the time of Gingrich"s rule, there were more parties than ever before. More good music was made between 1994 and 1996 than ever before. Beer and whiskey prices even went down. The parties were better than ever. Conversations were wittier. Women dressed more provocatively. Jokes became bawdier. It"s no coincidence. Republicans may not know much about ruling the country, but, boy, can they create the right climate for a killer party. When you"re afraid of being killed, drafted or arrested at any moment, you tend to get a little more wild. Promiscuity, alcohol abuse and Republican rule go hand in hand. And we"re going to get more Republican rule than ever before, so you"d better stop off at the liquor store on the way home from work. And stock up while you"re there. You don"t want to run out of booze for the next few years. Time to throw out all your old inhibitions. Ever wanted to parade around Broad Ripple Village totally nude? Here"s your chance. Ever wanted to see if you could drink an entire case of beer? Time to find out. It"s the correct moment to pursue all of your unrealized fantasies. Ever wanted to become a gangsta rapper? Perhaps a cross-dresser? Ever wanted to dye your hair pink, get your tongue pierced or move to Canada? There"s never been a better time to do it. Unbridled hedonism and the pursuit of fleshly pleasures are really the only appropriate reactions to such a stunning national setback as last week"s elections. When the entire world has gone crazy, about the best thing you can do is become crazy yourself. You won"t be able to afford housing or health care in the next few years, so you might as well get drunk. And the world has certainly gone crazy. Everything"s been thrown upside down. The things you thought were true have turned out not to be. That means it"s time to dance. I predict a rapid return of disco. Heroin. Goldfish swallowing. Anything that"s dangerous or ill-advised will become fashionable again. Look for the return of the "Macarena" and the Spice Girls. Two years ago, the Thief Justice of the Supreme Court gave the election to his friend"s son. Last week, the voters rewarded that theft by giving the foxes the security code to the henhouse and the feed barn. Washington will become an even grayer place than before. There"ll be nothing but rich white people on the political talk shows. Bills will be introduced to provide for public floggings of dissidents. Wars will be declared against randomly chosen countries. Gun ownership will be made mandatory. Brink"s trucks full of cash will arrive at the doors of the wealthiest people, while the poor will be forced to sell their kidneys to pay their bills. Old folks will become indentured servants, cleaning the homes of the rich in exchange for prescription drugs. The First Amendment will be revoked and replaced with a paid advertisement. Church attendance will be mandated by law. The most paranoid fantasies of the left will be realized over the next few years. Look for political opponents of the White House to be arrested as traitors. Al Gore will be forced to flee the country. That means the opportunities will be greater than ever before for binge drinking, compulsive gambling and casual sex. Make your plans accordingly.

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