It's official. It's something that I thought would never happen to me at age 40. But I am in love. It's the deep, abiding kind of love that fills your soul with joy and your loins with yearning.
Secretary Rice is applauded as she arrives to introduce President Bush and first lady Laura Bush to American troops based in Germany at the Wiesbaden Army Airfield, Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005. President Bush and Secretary Rice are visiting Europe to meet with European leaders.
The lucky woman? Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. After watching her walk the runway in her knee-length skirt and oh-so-chic jackboots, I'm smitten. Someday she will be mine. The universe commands it.
It's true; I usually don't go for older women, let alone older Republican women. But there's something in the way she moves, the way she threatens Iran with war, the way she smiles when she discusses torturing terrorists that attracts me like no other lover.
I like dangerous women, and a woman who, with just a few words, could launch all-out thermonuclear warfare is sexy beyond belief.
She was in rare form last week, traveling the globe and issuing threats to smaller nations. It captured my heart and no woman will ever be able to take her place if I live to be 100.
Just read the Washington Post's description of her outfit: "Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice arrived at the Wiesbaden Army Airfield on Wednesday dressed all in black. She was wearing a black skirt that hit just above the knee, and it was topped with a black coat that fell to mid-calf. The coat, with its seven gold buttons running down the front and its band collar, called to mind a Marine's dress uniform or the 'save humanity' ensemble worn by Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.
"As Rice walked out to greet the troops, the coat blew open in a rather swashbuckling way to reveal the top of a pair of knee-high boots. The boots had a high, slender heel that is not particularly practical. But it is a popular silhouette because it tends to elongate and flatter the leg. In short, the boots are sexy."
So sexy. So Satanic. She is a woman for the ages. How can you not love her?
Look at what she's helped accomplish in her years in government. She was predicting a thriving Soviet Union just before the country collapsed. Through her bad advice, she helped Bill Clinton beat the tar out of Daddy Bush in 1992, ushering in the best eight years in American history.
Now she's helping ensure that Democrats will rule the Congress and the presidency for years to come, by advocating the most boneheaded foreign policy in centuries.
The post of secretary of state used to be one of diplomacy. The secretary would talk to other nations and attempt to peacefully advance American interests around the globe.
Not this one. Her job is to point to all the guns we have and ask our friends and enemies if they'd enjoy an American invasion. Now THAT's sexy.
Look at the first female secretary of state, Madeleine Albright, who served under Bill Clinton. Sure, she was an intellectual, a peacemaker, a brilliant policymaker and diplomat. But could she wear high-heeled jackboots like Condi does?
Condi is friends with the rich and powerful. They named an oil tanker after her, so commanding is her allure. She can enter a room full of old white millionaires and command them all.
I'm just amazed that I haven't fallen in love with her until now. Look at the smile on her face. What does it say? It is as enigmatic as the "Mona Lisa." Is she thinking something sensual, or is she thinking about the millions of dead she'll help create over the next four years?
Is she thinking about how one day the world will belong to America, or is she just wanting a hug? Like me, she's never been married. Unlike me, she likes classical music. But I'm sure I can get her listening to the early '90s hardcore gangster shit that I like.
After all, the music of Biggie Smalls and 2Pac runs completely in parallel with current American foreign policy. 2Pac even has a song called "Bomb First," which is our official rule now. Big talked about jacking the rich people and spending their money on drugs.
Just change "rich people" to "poor people" and instead of spending the money on drugs, giving it back to the rich, and there you go.
I know this is sudden, but will you marry me, Miss Secretary? I'll do whatever you ask: kill the poor, lock up John Kerry voters in dissident camps, anything. I just need a strong, powerful woman in my life now.
And after seeing you in your Hitler boots, I want you even more. You know how to reach me. I hope to hear from you soon.