It was disclosed today that every politician and political appointee in the Republican Party is either under indictment or being investigated by inquiries or panels. GOP spokesperson Steve Sell'em told reporters that "This complicates assembling a bipartisan process in thoroughly vetting and - in our eyes exonerating - those accused of wrongdoing." The lack of bipartisanship, Sell'em says, is "particularly problematic given the promise in our society of due process. How can this be fair if there are no Republicans in the adjudicating procedure?"
Charges that the overwhelming number of scandals were somehow manufactured by Democrats was met with skepticism. Democratic spokesperson Bill McBlah admitted, "We've really been unable to function, period, let alone muster some conspiracy against the Republicans."
President Bush, when confronted by reporters yesterday, proposed "suspending any and all indictments against Republicans pending an investigation into why the heck there are so many investigations."
He suggested former FEMA head Michael Brown would be an "excellent candidate" to lead that uber investigation.
"Either that," Bush added, "or I'll pardon them all so we can get on with the business of governing. Besides, they're all going to get medals anyway."