There"s a guy who"s suing McDonald"s because he ate at McDonald"s for breakfast, lunch and dinner, seven days a week, and now he claims he"s got health problems. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Monday through Friday. Weekends, too. Got fat. Suing McDonald"s.
The man ought to sue MapQuest. Couldn"t he find another fuckin" restaurant in the neighborhood? Come on. Moderation is key. Don"t screw it up for the rest of us. What is this guy thinking? McDonald"s designs their burgers to taste good, which makes you think about going to McDonald"s the next time you"re hungry. On the way to McDonald"s, however, most of us pass a Kroger or a salad bar or a TGI Friday"s or even a goddamn cornfield - which conveniently reminds us to eat somewhere that doesn"t have a Playland now and then. What is this guy thinking? McDonald"s is the joint that cooked up the utterly brilliant idea of laying a shmear of Thousand Island dressing across a pair of cow patties, slappin" "em on a roll cut in three sections and loading the whole thing up with cheese, pickle, onion and a layer of shredded lettuce no more than a micron thick just for color. This is not health food. This is a cheap sandwich that everyone in America has eaten occasionally. OCCASIONALLY. What is this guy thinking? Did he expect to roll his belly into McD"s in a wheelbarrow and cause an epiphany for a staffer in Mayor McCheese"s jurisdiction? Did he expect the 17-year-old grunt behind the register to take one look at this poor, fat bastard"s plight, smack himself in the head and announce: "Call the shift supervisor! Call the CEO! Dig up Roy Kroc! We"ve got to start ladling seaweed and kale onto the Quarter Pounders! Heave the fries! Grill me a bean sprout! GET ME 400 POUNDS OF ALFALFA FROM WILD OATS - STAT!" No. Back in the day, when the golden arches everywhere were a structural element of the actual McDonald"s building - you remember? - the sign out front that sat in the concrete median of the old split parking lot read "McDonald"s - HAMBURGERS." HAMBURGERS. Chopped dead animals on Wonder Bread with salt. White Castle, Burger King, Wendy"s, Hardee"s, Rally"s - what are they selling? Chopped dead animals on Wonder Bread with salt. You eat at these places. I eat at these places. MOST OF US KNOW ENOUGH TO MIX IN SOME BROCCOLI ONCE IN A WHILE. What is this guy thinking? Another gander at the sign, let"s take. What"s it say, folks? "BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED." It does not say, "WE ONLY SOLD TWO BURGERS LAST YEAR - GOD BLESS THE NORDIC TRAC COPRPORATION!" I know America is the fattest nation on the planet. I know we"re overweight and overstressed and out of shape and pressed for time. BUT - I know enough to skip lunch in favor of some Perrier when I"ve been hitting the fat and the sodium too hard. Let me address the plaintiff, the man who inspired my rant: Sue McDonald"s? You better hope you lose, pal. Why? If I see anything above a 30 percent increase in beloved Filet-o"-Fish, buddy, me and my attorneys are coming after YOU. Happy Thanksgiving. Wank & O"Brien feast on the airwaves each weekday morning on 93.1.