Researchers at IUPUIPUI have discovered that just the right amount of sun can kill you. Head scientist Dr. Holly McDiMichaels reported that "We've heard now that too much sun is bad for you, and that too little sun is bad for you, but the truth is the right amount of sun is problematic as well." McDiMichaels' report, which will be released in the June issue of You're Screwed!, studied a group of people who had long suspected that science in general was flawed and that they shouldn't listen to any pronouncement by researchers.
Instead, this group of people, calling themselves The Goldilocks Foundation, made sure they exposed themselves to an absolute modicum of sunlight.
IUPUIPUI researchers found that members of this group suffered similar cancer rates as people who had too much or too little sunlight.
Similar findings have been discovered regarding the consumption of red meat, butter and wine as a modicum of ingestion of these substances caused certain kinds of cancer in the Goldilocks Foundation population.
IUPUIPUI researchers have determined, however, that no contact with the White River in Indianapolis is good for you.
The Goldilocks Foundation could not be reached for comment, as all their members were busy trying to figure out whether they should be underweight or overweight.