Downtown Diary 

Ikey in action

Ikey in action
by Rocky the Diabolical Catâ„¢ My lovely Evangelina and I were relaxing on the porch swing, my head in her lap, after returning home from a Wong Kar-Wai film at Key Cinemas. "Baby, do you think I could have some of your sweet stuff tonight?" I asked. "Well, let me think about it, Rocky. You have been a good boy lately. We'll see," she said coyly. The silence of the night was punctured by a barking dog. "Philistine," I muttered. Ikey the Cat appeared in front of the house astride a pallet on caster wheels, being pulled by a team of six fierce members of the Feline Front. He jumped off the pallet, unhitched his comrades, and all seven came onto the porch and lay down. They passed a pint of half-and-half among themselves and laughed loudly. "Master Rocky," Ikey said, "there was a combined Ashcroft Youth/Advance America Miller Youth LLC rally at one of the downtown military parks tonight. So we went down there and raced through the park and I threw purple smoke bombs into the crowd and yelled, 'I'm Ikey the Cat! F*** all of you!'"* Evangelina and I burst out laughing. "Then what happened?" I asked between convulsions. "Theodore screamed, 'It's that fag-cat! And that's some kind of biological weapon he's throwing; it's contagious and it will make all of us gay! Run for your lives!' And they ran, all weeping and crying for their mommies!" He took a drink of half-and-half and said, "Then we chased Theodore and I pelted him with some choice specimens from the litterbox! He kept running and running and we kept right behind him and I kept pelting him with those turds!" I laughed for what seemed like hours and finally, after regaining my composure, said, "My young protege, I dare say that's a case of stinkers for a stinker!" *Here we go again with Ikey's cussing. -the eds.

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