by Rocky the Diabolical Cat™ My young protege Ikey and I were about to leave Key Cinemas after a showing of Todd Solondz's Palindromes when we ran into Theodore.
"I'm surprised to see you here, Theodore," I said.
"As Grand Patriot of the local chapter of the Miller Youth LLC, I am charged with, among other things, keeping an eye on degenerate art here in our Hoosier state," he replied with a smirk.
"Miller Youth LLC?" Ikey squeaked.
"We are the youth group of Advance America, the pro-family, pro-church, pro-private and home school, and pro-tax reform group founded by our beloved leader, Eric Miller," he said.
"Why LLC?" I asked.
"Any good businessman knows that limited liability is the way to go," he responded.
"Uh, Theodrone my man, you're not a youth - not by a long shot. Why are you in charge of a youth organization? Are you one of those right-wing child molesters?" I laughed.
"Screw you, Rocky. If we had fewer cat-radicals like you and fewer fags like your friend Ikey here, this state would be a cleaner place for God-fearing Hoosiers to raise their families!!!" Theodore screamed, his face red with indignation.
Ikey's body puffed up. "Fag? Fag? Did I hear the word fag? I've got your fag right here, mother-******!" he screeched as he grabbed his crotch.*
"Yes, it is all these deviants, weirdos, degenerates, long-hairs, artists, liberals and Jesus-haters who are bringing our state down. As a matter of fact, Rocky, I think your diabetes is God's revenge on you for being a leftist cat-radical and having this fag-cat Ikey as a friend!" he screamed again, his face turning from red to purple.
"Theobore, my diabetes is treatable; but your condition - right-wing, nativistic imbecility - is not. Good day!" I said, and we left the theater.
* The editors are saddened to see that Ikey's cussing disorder has resurfaced once again.