Downtown Diary 

The Holiday Gift 2003 Mind-Reader

The Holiday Gift 2003 Mind-Reader

[this is satire]

Rocky the Diabolical Cat™, his ladyfriend Evangelina and I ventured over to Hector’s house and down into his basement, where the great genius had revamped his renowned Language-Cruncher machine into the Holiday Gift 2003 Mind-Reader machine.

The advanced scientific nature of the machine was masked by the colorful seasonal garlands, lights and bulbs from Family Dollar that Hector had used to decorate it. Attached to the contraption was a helmet lined with electrodes.

When placed upon the head of a subject, the helmet sent an electromagnetic pulse to the Holiday Gift 2003 Mind-Reader machine, which then brought to life, in a specified corner of Hector’s basement, the very object that the subject desired most as a holiday present.

The helmet was placed first on Evangelina’s head. Molecule by molecule, there appeared in the corner a scale model of a crystal palace for homeless and low-income Indianapolis residents. “Well, well, dear woman, you won’t be getting that this year!” Hector laughed.

Next the helmet was placed on my head. From the ether emerged George W. Bush and his junta-buddies, all attired in black-and-white striped jail outfits. “That’s what I’d call wishful thinking,” Rocky quipped.

Finally, the helmet was placed on Rocky’s head. A faint image appeared, then faded, then appeared again, this time more strongly, and finally became fleshed out in all its majesty. It was Cameron Diaz, nude. “You horrible, horrible beast!” Evangelina screamed at Rocky, and then exited the basement.

“Clearly, Hector, my dear man, your machine is defective,” Rocky said. “How so?” Hector asked. “Because, you fool, I wasn’t thinking of Cameron Diaz, I was thinking of Jennifer Lopez!” the cat said devilishly.

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