Downtown Diary 

[this article is usually satire]
"The slowness of evolution"

[this article is usually satire]
“The slowness of evolution”
While taking a walk on the western edge of downtown, I decided to stop by Military Park and visit Walter the Worm. I turned off Washington Street onto West Street, which is the name of the southern, white neighborhood segment of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Street. The northern, white neighborhood segment of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Street is called Michigan Road. Only the middle segment, which cuts through a black neighborhood, is called Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Street. This racist tripartite arrangement is extraordinarily offensive and ought to be rectified, but one doubts that it will, the mind of the average Indianapolis politician being, unfortunately, ideologically ossified. I thought about the tragic farce of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Street as I walked to Military Park. I entered Military Park and heard a faint, intermittent, tinny noise. As I approached Walter’s domicile the sound became louder, and I recognized it as one-half of the song “Dueling Banjoes” — that is, one banjo without another to duel with. I then saw Walter leaning against a tree with a tiny banjo laying next to him, and his friend Milt the Millipede beside him, playing a second, tiny banjo. While Milt played, I asked Walter how his battle with the city over his right to remain in his domicile was coming along. “After my story ran in NUVO,” he said, “they backed off me, and tried to sweeten things up. First they offered to let me stay if I wore a three-inch-long Colts bodysuit and became a mascot of sorts; I told ’em they could bite me. Then they pitched the idea of some sort of annual ‘Festival of Worms’ with me as the main attraction, since I am so famous; I told ’em to bite me. Then they wanted me to be the ‘Official Worm of White River’! Who the hell would go near that sludgy mess? Not me! So I told ’em to bite me.” “I see,” I said. “You’re a tough worm, Walter. By the way, what’s with that tiny banjo laying next to you?” “I love the banjo, but obviously I can’t play it because I have no arms or legs,” he replied. “And I’m sorry to report that evolution is not occurring as quickly as I had hoped!”

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