Downtown Diary 

Year in Review 2002

Year in Review 2002
The past year was a ragged and jagged surrealo-comic ride for my friends and I as we continued to adjust to life under the Bush regime. A few of the highlights of the year were: January: I met a man at the F.A.C.E. Spay-Neuter clinic who was convinced that he was a Chihuahua. Rachel was disappointed that I didn"t get myself neutered while I was there. February: One-Tooth was held briefly on a charge of aesthetic terrorism for disturbing the mis-en-scene of a gentrified neighborhood. March: My friend David and I went to the big NUVO party at Lotus and failed to mingle successfully, or even appropriately, with the female attendees. The night ended with us sitting by ourselves in a booth at Peppy Grill. We vowed to do better at the 2003 party. April: Rocky the Cat with an Attitudeô went into a bistro and accosted a couple. He jumped on their table, tickled the woman on the chin, recited a few riddles and rhymes, danced the cucaracha, sprayed on the guy and fled. Well done, Rocky! May: First known sighting of the Ashcroft Youth by Heike and me at a downtown military park. They gave us the finger as they goosestepped past us. A few months later I spotted them pelting an immigrant with pocket Bibles, and Rocky once saw them heckle a poet. June: I spied on Rocky as he recited poetry by Pablo Neruda to his girlfriend Evangelina in the backyard. Evangelina later dumped Rocky and he laid around reading depressing literature for a couple of months. Also, my friend David and I had our Fellini"s Underwear: Conceptual Thrift Art show at Utrillo"s Gallery. Our piece did not sell, we did not become celebrated artists and we were forced to keep our day jobs. July: First appearance of the word fuck in the Downtown Diary. August: My ladyfriend Ms. O told me about our friend Hector"s monograph The NASCARization of the American Mind, which contained sections on the Earnhardt-archetype, the relation of Daytona to the Great Pyramids and the significance of the numbers three and 24. Hector later signed a publishing contract with the Italian house Edizioni Testa d"Uovo. Also, Nena and I met a guy who goes to the movies with a specially-made Klaus Kinski doll because he has no friends. September: I went to Chicago and visited Paola. While there I met lo Sfigato (the nerd), a unique product of nature who works in Paola"s office. Later that month One-Tooth told me I was a wimp. October: Rocky and Ike the Kitten broke into Fred the Cat-hater"s garage and vandalized his car; Rocky fell in love with Nena, but then nonetheless had sex with Louise and left his nasty little condom in the bedroom for me to find the next day. Later in the month, Hector revealed his plans for a new public transportation system that combined gigantic Pacers figures; red, white and blue basketball-shaped gondola cars; and a Stonehenge-like centerpiece on the MSA site. His proposal has been met with silence, and he is bitter. November: Paola sat next to Umberto Eco at a dinner party. He told racy jokes. December: My friend David suddenly insisted that he be referred to as a bon vivant; I unveiled a few little-known tawdry facts about the highway ramp on Market Street; Rocky published an excerpt from his upcoming book Night Thoughts: Reflections, Aphorisms, Epigrams, Etc. A short glossary Here is a short glossary of terms that appeared in the Downtown Diary in 2002 that undoubtedly will be widely used by the intelligentsia in 2003: Aesthetic Terrorism: A category of terrorism invoked when a person does not fit in visually and thus causes a rupture in the reality of mainstream society. Related to poetic terrorism, defined in the Little Beige Book of the Ashcroft Youth as "Writing or reading modernistic poetry that does not rhyme." Ashcroft Youth: A straightlaced, right-wing high school militia group that spends its time studying the Little Beige Book of John Ashcroft, singing military anthems and harassing minorities and "weirdoes." My friend David has spotted a splinter group in Chicago called the New Ashcroft Youth who pistol-whip people in the streets. An offshoot is the North American Teen Anti-Orgasm League (N.A.T.A.O.L.). Calvin Cole"d: To die "mysteriously" while in police custody. Example: "One-Tooth! I haven"t seen you for so long! I was afraid you"d been Calvin Cole"d!" Clunkentelechy: The highest form of clunkiness; used when commenting upon clunky shoes. Example: "Look at those shoes! They are huge and grotesque! That is pure clunkentelechy!" Snake: The verification of a person"s inadequate social standing by denying him or her entrance to a desirable space by hooking a velvet snake on its stanchion. Example: "You asshole! How dare you snake me! Don"t you know I"m the Downtown Diarist?!?" (Followed by security guy moving the stanchion farther away, to make the snake tighter.)

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