Downtown Diary 

Door to Door

Door to Door
There was a knock at the door. On my porch I found an insurance salesman. I was bored, so I invited him in. I told him my name was Mr. Schnitzel. At my invitation he sat on the couch. He glanced at the art on my living room walls and showed his displeasure by narrowing his eyes. He mouthed the words "degenerate art" and I immediately knew that he was an Ashcroft Youth troop leader. He began his performance. "Mr. Schnitzel," he asked with a very practiced look of concern, "are you married? Do you have children? Do you ever worry about what would happen if you were indefinitely incapacitated, so to speak? Do you wonder who would pay your mortgage? Would you lose your home? I ask you: What would happen to your loved ones and your possessions if you could not work?" "No, no, no, no, probably, who knows," I answered. "Mr. Schnitzel, this is a serious matter! Really! What would happen if you were indefinitely incapacitated, so to speak?" he asked with a tremble in his voice. "My health is fine," I replied. "Well, Mr. Schnitzel, not all indefinite incapacitations are health-related. Have you never considered that?" he inquired peevishly. "No, in fact, I have not," I answered. "Certainly, Mr. Schnitzel, you realize that people are incapacitated in a quite random fashion these days. They lose their homes! Their cars! Their boats! And," he said, folding his hands and placing them on his knees, "they lose their wives and girlfriends!" He glanced at the floor, then continued: "That is why, Mr. Schnitzel, my company, Mutual of Carmel, is proud to offer our War on Terrorism Detention Insurance. For only $1.33 a day, you can protect your loved ones and possessions against loss if you are secretly held by our federal government or any of its agents in an undisclosed location for an undisclosed reason. While you are being indefinitely detained we will pay out a $2000 monthly benefit, up to a lifetime cap of $100,000." I then blacked out. I awakened later in the hospital. My neurologist told me that my syncope was the natural reaction of the healthy brain to the absurdities of life under the hillbilly junta.

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