Dan Shaughnessy Does Not Think Highly of the Colts (or the Colts' Chances of Not-Losing to the Patriots by 17,000 Points) 

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Elderly Garbage Pail Kid soothsayer Dan Shaughnessy wrote his yearly clickbait smugfest article that is really neat and fun and also raises some good points, imo. Like, Why are we even playing this game this is so dumb? and Do the Colts suffer from Meniere’s disease why are they always falling over when they try to run a play or even when they are just standing there?

To the Fire Joe Morgan Machine, everyone!

Now let’s get it over with and say what everyone, everywhere in football America is saying and/or thinking.

Sen. Dan Shaughnessy (R—Football America), Football Whisperer.

The Colts have no chance to beat the Patriots at Gillette Sunday night in Foxborough.

Agreed!! The Colts do football stuff bad because they all have rabies and spina bifida this is why we all got kicked out of Football America and now live in Meth Saskatchewan. :((

I remember that the Patriots weren’t supposed to beat the Rams in February 2002.

That’s because 2002 was like 900 years ago and they used to have to play the games back then, unlike now, when Football America simply decides who will win because THANKS A LOT #NOBAMA.

I know that “that’s why they play the games.” All of that great “Hoosiers” stuff.

Not in the Football America I once knew/got kicked out of, pal!

But deep down, you all know what’s going to happen Sunday in Foxborough.


Patriots 3,981 — Colts DNP (Ebola)

Baltimore played fearless Big Boy football. The Ravens gashed the Patriots and scared the frozen snot out of the Patriots and their fans.

And the Ravens beat the shit out of the Colts back in Week 5 when they actually lost but not really because SHUT YOUR FACE, THAT’S WHY.

But New England survived that game, and the reward is a conference championship layup … uncontested … with an 8-foot rim.

[Pagano drops tape measure from the Gillette Stadium rim]

"I think you’ll find that these are the exact same measurements as the Nerf hoop back in our methadone clinic."

[has a grand mal seizure, falls off ladder]

The Colts were 2-4 against playoff teams during the regular season. That includes a win over Cincinnati, which always requires an asterisk.

Pfffft the Bengals are not REAL Football Americans, not even close! They are incompetent al Qaeda weirdos who are actually otters, and so were the Broncos.

Enjoy the game. But deep down, we all know the Patriots won the AFC championship last weekend.

"God bless you. And God bless Football America."

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Roy Hobbson

Roy Hobbson

Roy Hobbson writes about sports, fatherhood and sometimes nachos. He was responsible for the now-defunct IndyCar blog called The Silent Pagoda.

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