Last week's article, "Daily Newspapers in Danger," suffered from a number of errors, through no fault of this correspondent. The story reported the discovery that many readers of the daily paper are not only aging, as statistics suggest, but actually dying off at an alarming rate.
Neighborhood canvassers from the Whoopeedo Institute, attempting to retrieve actual data regarding the reading habits of citizens, found a disturbing number of those citizens dead - some of them with the newspaper in their cold dead hands.
Now, we learn that they were pretending.
Harold Deckarded, 67, told us why. "It's the only way we can get the durn daily to stop delivering their durn newspaper to us." Deckarded said that he had been trying for months to quit his subscription, but the "dag-gone paper just kept coming as did the durn bills to pay for it," he said.
His seemingly dead neighbor, Irene Fluxbux, came forward, admitting she had "played possum with the researchers, hoping they'd report what they did and maybe put the daily out of business so they'd for sure stop delivering the paper to me." Fluxbux claims she's tried to cancel her subscription over a dozen times without success.
Calls to the daily paper resulted in only one, unnamed source, speculating aloud as to whether the previously-reported dead people were actually dead after all. "Maybe they're just zombies," said the source. "Did you poke them to see if your finger went in through their skin? But even they are, don't zombies want to read the news every day, too?"