Dear Lou, I have the most wonderful husband in the world. He is loving, giving, supportive — I can’t say enough about him. We’ve been together for a little over two years, and got married last month. My problem is that my sex drive is MUCH lower than his. He is one of those men that thinks that successful sex can only be achieved if I have two to three orgasms. That is virtually impossible for me but he doesn’t believe it. He persists to the point of it being irritating. I have tried to talk to him about it but he says I should just be open to it and it will happen. He says that I have convinced myself that my sex drive is low and that if I just change my mindset things will change. Is that true? Is that possible? I find him incredibly sexy and attractive and when I am in the mood our sex is fantastic. I just don’t know what to do or say to him about it. Anon
Dear Anon, You both are right, and wrong, but not to worry! I can help set you back on the path of sexual fulfillment, but first, Grasshopper, we need to attain sexual enlightenment. A little information goes a long way in this regard, so let’s get started. First of all, we need to understand the female orgasm. Yours, for instance, fall well within the norm. I won’t bore you with statistics but I’ll give you some basic facts that you can share with your husband. Studies have shown for years that not only are there extremely few women who are a fountain of climaxes during a single sexual encounter, but a majority of women do not orgasm every time they have sex. In fact, there is a sizable group of our gender that does not reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation (i.e., intercourse) at all. Now, a vaginal orgasm isn’t necessarily a myth, but it is the clitoris that primarily registers a woman’s sexual pleasure, and consequently, orgasms. This is an organ with NO OTHER PURPOSE other than that, so if you aren’t well acquainted with the Little Lady’s likes and dislikes, take time to correct that sad state of affairs. Don’t deprive yourself. Second, your husband’s entreaties to relax and “be open” are absolutely correct. It stands to reason that if you are distracted during sex by anxieties over whether or not you’ll score a Big O, chances are you won’t. As I stated earlier, you probably won’t pop one off every time you make love, but if you both know and accept this, it will keep you from dwelling on it. Finally, the female sex drive is indeed a fickle girl, and your husband is partially right. Typically, the less sex you have, the less sex you want. Women, especially busy ones (and who isn’t), tend to put the libido on the back burner if they need to be really amped at work, or with their kids, or their laundry and on and on. To break the cycle of the ever-waning sex drive, think about the last time you had mind-shattering sex. Try to remember exactly what it was that got you in the mood, and try to incorporate that into your sexual menu on a regular basis. It also helps to begin your day entertaining the idea of having sex with your husband that evening. Having hours in which to let your brain casually anticipate great sex can have you primed when it’s time to do all the things you’ve been fantasizing about. The most important thing to remember is that everyone has a different sex drive, and the spectrum of “normal” is wide. If you aren’t some record-breaking sexual dynamo, who the hell cares? As long as you and your husband have a sexual life that you both enjoy, you’re in good shape. Hope these basics help get you there!