Recent debate in the General Assembly over the use of cell phones in cars has stirred a roiling debate among politicians as well as the citizen-at-large. The bill in question would create a Class D Misdemeanor for motorists using a cell phone while driving. The designation, proposed by one legislator, is to call the infraction DWT: Driving While Talking.
Freedom-lovers reacted strongly to the proposed legislation. One legislator, who requested anonymity, said, "It"s bad enough that government wants to get into your bedroom, now they want to finger their way into our cars!" The sanctity of the automobile is a long-standing ethic in our country"s mythology, so it"s no wonder that the proposed law has galvanized the populace. Yesterday, a potential solution emerged from Indiana"s fast-growing tech center. Chuck Whozits, chairman and CEO of Implantations R Us, spoke to an assembled crowd of reporters outside the Statehouse, suggesting that the controversy could be laid to rest. "We are developing a procedure by which a small, thumb-sized cell phone can be implanted into a person"s head," Whozits said. "While still in the planning stages, we have nevertheless staged a number of successful experiments using rats." The phone would be activated, according to Whozits, "by a series of voice commands, as well as certain nods of the head." He went on to caution the reporters that "we haven"t worked out all the bugs yet." The rats, Whozits went on to say, "came through the surgeries with flying colors. The only downside is that further experimentation on these particular rats is complicated by the fact that we can"t get them to stop calling each other." Whozits plans to roll out a more comprehensive strategy next month, so that legislators, the medical community and Hoosiers can assess the feasibility of the procedure.