If you haven’t yet registered to vote, you better get your lazy ass in gear. The deadline is Monday, Oct. 4, just a few days away. This newspaper is doing its best to remind you to register to vote. So are literally thousands of other organizations.
You may even see or hear advertisements urging you to vote. They usually feature celebrities saying something like “It doesn’t matter who you vote for, just get out and vote. Whether you’re a Republican or Democrat, let your voice be heard!”
Good try. But those ads are wrong.
It does matter who you vote for. It matters a hell of a lot, in fact. And this year, it means more than any election since the Civil War has meant.
In 1860, the choice was clear: Are you for slavery or against it? It’s the same thing this year as well.
So, unless you plan to vote for the Democrats for president this year, please do not register or vote this year. Your voice does not need to be heard in this case, so kindly shut it up until after Nov. 2. Until then, enjoy Monday Night Football and Shania Twain. Follow the race for the NASCAR Nextel Cup and root Dale Jr. on to victory.
There are giant corporations, arms manufacturers and oil companies that are already speaking for you if you’re a Bush fan. They’ve got you covered, so just sit back and relax with an ice-cold Bud and don’t worry about politics until next year.
There are so many other, more important things for you to think about if you’re a conservative this year, like Britney Spears’ wedding, the baseball playoffs and the new fall TV season. Let other people worry about politics. It’s such a hassle to register and vote anyway and, besides, lots of other people are already going to vote for President Bush whether you do or not.
Don’t even watch the news; it’s too confusing and you know how much they lie anyway. Your attention is better spent supporting our troops and our firefighters, too. They are the real heroes out there making a difference, not some politician in Washington.
Hillary Clinton isn’t running for anything this year. It’s not like she’s going to become president. Wait until she runs so you can vote against her.
Have you seen Joey yet? It’s just about as funny as Friends was, which is saying a lot.
Old Navy has some great bargains on fall clothing. You’d better get there before they run out of your size. While you’re at the mall, look at all of the pretty new Yankee Candles. They make any home feel brighter.
Those politicians are going to keep on arguing with each other no matter who wins, whether it’s Bush or Kerry. That’s what politicians do. They just say nasty things about each other no matter who’s in charge. The conservatives tried to get Clinton and now the liberals are trying to get Bush. Same shit, different day.
Meanwhile, just get most of your news from US, People and In Touch. Those are really good magazines because they don’t try and bore you or depress you with bad news or things you don’t understand. They tell you things about really interesting people like J.Lo and Mary-Kate Olsen and lots of pictures of the pretty dresses they wear. That Paris Hilton is so slutty, but she’s really a sweet girl if you watch her TV show.
When has any politician ever done anything for you? Bush, Kerry, Nader, they’re all the same when it comes down to it. They just promise things they know they’ll never be able to deliver. Your life isn’t going to change one bit. They’ll lower taxes on one thing and raise them on the other, just like they always do.
While other people are wasting their time worrying about the election, you could be picking apples from an orchard, doing work around the yard or just spending quality time with your children. Before you know it, they’ll be all grown up so you’d better spend time with them now, before it’s too late.
I’m usually not in the business of preaching to conservatives. But, in this case, the best way you can show your patriotism is to not register to vote or, if you are registered, staying home on Election Day. Remember, liquor stores and bars will be closed until 6 p.m. that day, so be sure to stock up the night before.
Thanks for reading this article. It’s over now. Have a great day and God bless!
OK. All the Republicans gone now?
Here’s the real deal. Voting for the president is like voting to put a bullet in your own head. If you’re under 35, a vote for Bush is a vote to put yourself into a military uniform via the draft.
It’s a vote for increasing the deficit, killing thousands more people in war and for increased terrorist attacks. It’s a vote for dissident detention camps within the U.S. If you’re a progressive or liberal, voting for Bush and Cheney is like voting for yourself to be locked up.
If you don’t want that to happen, register to vote and be sure to vote for John Kerry and John Edwards. They’re not perfect but they’ll slow down the erosion of civil rights, win the war and bring a good economy back.
If you’ve never voted before, this is the time to start. They can’t turn you down because you have a record; your voting address won’t be given to the cops, either, which means you can vote even if you have an outstanding warrant.
Even if you don’t care about politics, your country needs you this year. Please, please register and vote. I want to live for at least another four years.