A retail tale 

News our Gift Guide won't share

News our Gift Guide won’t share

The Corporation for Elucidation announces opening of its store, Bad Buy, at the former site of Dunkin Donuts, 86th and Ditch.
Bad Buy, like Dunkin Donuts, will attract high cholesterol customers by offering a diversified product line that includes rich, delicious, sweet and fat donuts, with coffee, cream and extra regular butter, which together provide instant gratification, followed by the not-entirely-unpleasant feeling of extra weight in the stomach. Customers will recall the menus of Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme as they relish the soft and tasty pleasures of warm glazed rolls.

Donuts and coffee, however, are offered only for on site satisfaction. Our other products have more enduring pleasures and effects.

Our lead product is Cafefa (pronounced Ca Fay Fah), the generic name for “fat enhanced cola free caffeine” that is usually sold with double sugar. This sublime drink is formulated around pure caffeine, refined directly from its raw state in nature. The drink is gratifying to anyone, but especially to those seeking sleepless nights, and perhaps more so to persons who do not have headaches. Two in 10 persons are known to suffer self-doubt and remorse because they do not experience headaches. Anxiety is a feature of this lifestyle because these persons cannot relate to colleagues and relatives who complain frequently about headache pain. By drinking just 10 ounces of Cafefa, persons with pain-free heads learn to comprehend the experiences of others. Headache creation is only one of the benefits of Cafefa.

The other is fat enhancement or, better expressed, cholesterol creation. Persons having high cholesterol cannot appreciate the profound self-doubt inside persons who, upon reading the written report of their annual physical examination, learn that they need take no special action to reduce cholesterol because their blood contains the appropriate amount, the quantity shown with the dreaded word, “normal.” These frustrated individuals leave the physician’s office with nothing to do. No additional exercise, no change in diet, no Lipitor. Imagine their sense of estrangement from society.

Cafefa is guaranteed to produce more exciting and satisfying annual physical examinations. After just six months of daily use, Cafefa guarantees a future filled with reports of abnormality, with frequent trips to the pharmacist. The producers of Cafefa also pledge continuous product monitoring. At any time that a form of cholesterol is judged to be “good,” that element will be removed from the drink, and if any “good” cholesterol is, in the future, judged to be bad, a greater amount will be added to the mixture. Our goal is to promote a lifetime of interesting, challenging and rewarding routine annual physical examinations, so that no person leaves the doctor’s office without some new commandment to reform lifestyle. Meanwhile, it goes without saying, our famous formula includes not a drop of cola.

Down the aisle from Cafefa is the dynamic new product Plaque Enhancer that makes dental visits more interesting and productive. “PE,” for short, is a thick but comfortable and delicious gel that patients, i.e., customers, apply to teeth and gums. The regimen relieves users of the difficult obligation to floss and to brush, thereby saving users almost 10 minutes per day, or almost 60 hours per year. The greatest benefit, however, occurs upon hearing the dental hygienist prescribe heavy and frequent flossing, professional cleaning every three months and three-times-a-day use of Listerine. The pleasure is even greater when both the hygienist and the dentist begin to suggest bone loss and a possible $5,000 visit to a periodontist. With these recommendations, customers have a fine foundation for a stimulating cocktail party, because customers are able to offer a meaningful complaint to match the complaints of any other person at the party.

Cigarettes, cigars, chewing tobacco and DoubleSweet Gum also are available. These offer some of the benefits of Plaque Enhancer, while contributing both to bad breath and to production of colorful saliva for accomplished spitters.

In our machinery and implement section we offer a radon generator for continuous use in basements having no evidence of this magnificent, chemically inert, radioactive invisible gas.

In our financial section, we offer inexpensive term life insurance. Persons interested in this insurance should call us prior to their first visit. We will arrange a physical examination at home, and accept the first premium payment on first entry to our store. We expect the premium to be low relative to premiums after just six months of visiting our store and consuming our products. This insurance is not available after a customer’s first visit.

The reproductive health shelves will be especially attractive to herpes victims who wish to spread the joy. We have developed a unique condom with microscopic holes in the exact size of the herpes virus. While we have field tested this product in various beds, i.e., “countries,” we cannot offer a latex-clad guarantee that other little devils will not pass through these holes. To assist those concerned with this possibility, we offer an array of off-the-shelf, home-use tests that give users instant knowledge of the side effects of their activities.

Bad Buy will welcome customers in about two weeks, following completion of reviews by regulatory authorities.

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