Monday, January 23, 2017

Savage Love: Dan loses a breeder reader

You might be a homophobe if...

Posted By on Mon, Jan 23, 2017 at 2:39 PM

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I recently stopped reading your advice column due to its current focus on homosexuality. Just letting you know the heterosexuals are still alive and doing well.
Bored Reading Endlessly Experimental Deviants Exploring Rectums


Over the last year, BREEDER, I published 140 questions from readers who identified themselves as gay, lesbian, bi, trans, or straight. Twenty-six of those questions were from gay men (18 percent), 16 were from bisexuals (12 percent), 6 were from trans people (4 percent), 2 were from lesbians (1 percent), and 90 were from straight people (65 percent). Almost all of the bisexuals whose letters I responded to were in opposite-sex, aka “straight,” relationships, and the same goes for half the letters from trans people. (Lots of trans people are straight identified and in opposite-sex, aka “straight,” relationships.) So nearly 80 percent of the questions I answered last year focused on straight people and/or straight sex.

If a sex-advice column that’s about straight people and/or straight sex 65 to 80 percent of the time is too gay for you, BREEDER, then my “current focus” isn’t the problem—your homophobia is. I would say that I’m sorry to lose you as a reader, BREEDER, but I’m not.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at savagelovecast.com.

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Friday, January 20, 2017

Savage Love: The f-word

Posted By on Fri, Jan 20, 2017 at 1:16 PM

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I met my boyfriend at a gay night in a club. I thought he was gay because he was dancing shirtless. But he loves going down on me, the PIV sex is the best I’ve ever had, and I believe him when he says he’s straight.

He’s got an above-average cock, but he likes me to tell him it’s small and compare him unfavorably to men I’ve been with who had bigger cocks. I’ve had bigger and I don’t mind degrading him like this. (It’s a nice change of pace to be with a guy who doesn’t want me to pretend like I’ve never seen another cock before!) So that’s not the reason I’m writing.

This is: He likes to be called a “faggot” when he’s fucking me. It makes him incredibly horny, but I feel guilty for using an antigay hate term while we’re having straight sex. Is this okay? Is it fucked up? Should we stop?
Female Anxiously Grants Slurs

It’s not okay, it’s completely fucked up, and you don’t have to stop. And if you feel the least bit guilty about calling your boyfriend a fag when he’s fucking you, FAGS, an hour on gay Tumblr will make you feel better about that. The number of gay men out there who think it’s hot to call their own assholes or other men’s assholes “cunts” will both surprise you and make you feel less conflicted about calling your straight boyfriend a fag.

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Monday, January 16, 2017

Savage Love: A clean slate

Posted By on Mon, Jan 16, 2017 at 10:00 AM

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I recently left my husband and moved from the suburbs to my own apartment in Philadelphia. It’s very liberating, and I have been starting to venture out for some great sex, something missing in my 25-year marriage.

Two weeks ago, I decided to be adventurous and went to a clubby bar around the block and brought a guy back to my place. The guy was in his 40s, lean, and muscular. The sex was great! He was very oral, unlike my vanilla husband.

When we got this stud’s clothes off, I saw that his pubic area was completely shaved, basically from his navel down. I don’t know if I looked as shocked as I felt. While he was humping away — I have never had anyone with such stamina and power — he told me to feel his anus, and that area, too, was shaved.

I didn’t want to ask him why he shaves, but I am wondering if this is common these days? Is there some “meaning” to it? And is anal touching now customary? I am really out of it and thought I’d ask you.
Confused Over Under-Garment-Area Region

While I love your signoff, COUGAR, sleeping with a lean, muscular guy in his 40s who likes to have his anus touched doesn’t earn a woman her cougar wings or whiskers or whatever. You’re going to have to fuck a few boys in their 20s if you want to be a cougar.
In regards to your recent hookup, COUGAR, the removal of pubic hair has definitely become more common over the last 25 years. Studies have found that upwards of 60 percent of women regularly remove most or all of their pubic hair; there aren’t studies about men removing their pubic hair, but many men do. Shaving or waxing doesn’t necessarily mean anything in particular, other than a preference for hairless junk. And the younger people are — chronologically or in spirit — the likelier they are to remove their pubes.

And while I wouldn’t describe anal touching as customary, there are definitely more straight men around today who aren’t afraid of their own assholes.
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Sunday, January 15, 2017

Savage Love: Caged stripteases

Posted By on Sun, Jan 15, 2017 at 10:00 AM

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My partner and I have been playing with male chastity devices. We’ve been considering going to a strip club while his cock is caged up and getting him lap dances. Is there some etiquette for this with the dancers? Do we let the dancer know before she is on his lap? Or do we not mention it? Is it rude to get a dancer involved at all? I’ve not yet found an etiquette guide for this situation.
Letting Our Cage Kink Show


“I think I speak for most dancers when I say I don’t care what’s going on underneath a customer’s pants,” said Bobbi Hill, a lap dancer based in Portland, Oregon, strip club capital of the United States. “Grazing over a stiff object in the crotch region is not an uncommon experience when giving a lap dance, and depending on the texture of the device, I might not even give it a second thought.”

While your concern for lap dancers is commendable, LOCKS, the person most at risk of injury is your partner. Nothing is more fun than inducing an erection in someone who’s locked in a male chastity device — a necessarily painful and punishing erection — but the devices are unyielding (ideally) and the cock flesh is weak (even when hard). A dancer who grinds down on your partner’s crotch is likelier to hurt him.

That said, lap dancers don’t like surprises. If a dancer grinds down on your partner’s crotch and feels something hard, clunky and un-cock-like in his pants, “she might go into air-dance mode,” said Hill, “which is essentially a lap dance where you make as little contact with the customer’s crotch as possible. Of course, you can never go wrong investing in a stripper’s patience and well-being — try handing her a Benjamin as you explain your situation.”

Just in case you’re not interested in dancers who are hers, LOCKS, I ran your question by a male stripper.

“I don’t think most dancers would mind if a customer was wearing a male chastity device as long as it caused no physical harm or discomfort,” said Aaron, a dancer at Stag PDX, Portland’s new male strip club. “If all parts of the device are safely tucked away between your legs while you receive the lap dance, there should be little to worry about. But if the device has parts that protrude — and could possibly harm an overzealous dancer while they grind up on you — you may want to be more cautious. It also never hurts to ask the dancers what they’re comfortable with.”

Strippers! They’re just like us! You can ask them questions! They will answer them! They respond positively when you take their comfort into account! They also appreciate large tips! And good personal hygiene! And clients who aren’t completely shitfaced!

Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at savagelovecast.com.

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Saturday, January 14, 2017

Savage Love: Escorts for women

Posted By on Sat, Jan 14, 2017 at 10:00 AM

I’m a tall, slender, attractive, fit, artistic, female 65-year old, taking testosterone, and now without a partner. I’m not sure how to go about engaging in noncommittal quick sex dates. I don’t know of any escort services for the ladies, but I would be interested. I’m also interested in exploring the bisexual side of life. Where would you advise I go?
Curious And Wondering


I’m going to echo Mistress Matisse and suggest diving into Sex Work Twitter. Most male sex workers target their ads/online presence to other males, since men are likelier to buy sex, but many male escorts are bisexual or straight but gay-for-pay. They’ll happily see female clients, as will many female sex workers, you just gotta ask — politely and, again, without talking about sex explicitly. Remember: You’re paying for the escort’s time, CAW, anything else that happens is just consenting adults doing consenting adult things.

I have a suggestion for GAYMAN, the guy who just got out of an abusive relationship and wanted to know how to reconnect with his sexuality and other gay men.

I came out three years ago, and I must say that joining the organization 
Frontrunners changed my life. It’s an LGBTQ-friendly running group, and I found so much support there as a man coming out late in life. I’ve met so many LGBTQ people, from all backgrounds, with extremely varied interests, and it really opened me up socially. I’m happy to say I’ve made some great friends in the year that I have participated.
Running While Queer

Love your column. Often you get questions on how to meet people/find partners, and you respond, “Get out of the house, go to the gym, volunteer.” Here’s one activity you haven’t mentioned: sign up for dance lessons, e.g., salsa, swing, tango, ballroom, etc.

It’s not hard to find a dance studio that offers group lessons, and partners aren’t required. Anyone can join a class. A group dance class will expose you to many people and put them right in your arms as an introduction. I can’t think of a better way to meet people. I’m a straight guy who met his last six girlfriends — the latest at nine years and counting — in dance classes. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do at a bar.

Obviously, partner dance isn’t for everyone, but skeptics might be surprised. It’s a pretty great environment, and people seem at ease because everyone is focused on having fun.
Strictly Come Dancing


Thanks for sharing, RWQ and SCD.

READERS: Psychotherapist, author, and friend Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) is seeking couples to be featured on her upcoming original audio series. Couples can be married or in a long-term committed relationship, and from all sexual orientations and cultural, racial, and religious backgrounds. Gay male couples are particularly encouraged to apply. For more info, go to tinyurl.com/perelaudio.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at www.savagelovecast.com.

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Friday, January 13, 2017

Savage Love: A title for a cam girl

Posted By on Fri, Jan 13, 2017 at 3:00 PM

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I’ve been reading your column for years, and it has definitely helped me develop a sex-positive view of dating, relationships, sex and otherwise. I’ve been seeing a girl recently who revealed to me she’s a cam girl. I’m totally okay with it. She makes a great living, it’s important to her, and it turns her on — all great things! But it’s something she likes to keep to herself, and for good reason, obviously.

People, however, are obsessed with what other people do for a living. So what’s the best answer for when I’m asked what she does? She’s as unsure of what to say as I am. I’m bringing her to a company event (I work in finance), and both of us are sure everyone is going to ask what she does (cocktail party small talk is the worst!). What are your thoughts on this subject and other things in a relationship like this?
Man Behind The Cam Girl


Say this: “She’s an independent contractor with a video production company — she makes her own hours and works from home. It’s a great gig. Oh hey, how about them Bears/Colts/Cubs/Broncos/Braves/WhateverTheFucks.”

READERS: Psychotherapist, author, and friend Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) is seeking couples to be featured on her upcoming original audio series. Couples can be married or in a long-term committed relationship, and from all sexual orientations and cultural, racial, and religious backgrounds. Gay male couples are particularly encouraged to apply. For more info, go to tinyurl.com/perelaudio.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at www.savagelovecast.com.

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Thursday, January 12, 2017

Savage Love: Finding a legit escort

Posted By on Thu, Jan 12, 2017 at 4:57 PM

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My brother is a virgin and turning 30 in a few weeks. He said he wants to hire an escort just for drinks and conversation for his birthday, but he doesn’t really know how to tell what’s a reliable service or what criteria he should be looking for to tell whether an agency is legit, reliable, etc.

I’m very happy he came to me with this because I can tell it’s not something he wants to share with many people — but I don’t have any advice or knowledge to pass on regarding this and I want to respect his privacy by not discussing it with everyone in our social circles. Do you have any advice in regards to what he should be looking for?

My Younger Brother’s Romantic Order


“Look to social media,” said Mistress Matisse, a writer, sex worker, and sex-workers-rights activist. “Now that so many review boards have been taken down, social media is the best way to find a good independent escort.”

About those review boards: Law enforcement agencies, always on the lookout for ways to “save” sex workers by making their jobs more dangerous, have gone after online sites, aka review boards, where clients rated and ranked escorts and — more importantly — escorts communicated with each other about safety, clients to avoid (flaky, rude, unhygienic), and clients they absolutely shouldn’t see (erratic, threatening, violent). Elizabeth Nolan Brown wrote a great piece for Reason about the issue last fall (“The Truth About the Biggest US Sex Trafficking Story of the Year,” September 9, 2016), and everyone should go read it at Reason.com.

Anyway, MYBRO, back to your brother and Matisse’s advice.

“I’m not saying ‘no social media’ equals ‘bad escort,’” said Matisse. “There are lots of good escorts who don’t have much of a social-media presence. But if you want to get to know a little about who someone is before you meet them, that’s just how you do it now.”
Another rarely discussed, perfectly legal alternative to figuring out if an escort is for real: pay them to meet up for drinks and conversation, which just so happens to be all your brother wants (or all he’s willing to tell you he wants).

“Obviously, this is not a good option for the budget-conscious,” said Matisse. “But if you want to test your chemistry and create some trust on both sides before booking a private date, it’s a solid way to go. Note the keyword, though: PAY her for her time. (Most ladies have a public social meeting fee that’s lower than private-time rates.) And remember the basic rules when you do decide to set a private-time date: Don’t ask about sex and don’t talk about money other than to briefly acknowledge that you have seen her rates and agree to pay for her time. Expect to use condoms and to abide by the rules of whoever you’re seeing.”

You can follow Mistress Matisse on Twitter @mistressmatisse.

READERS: Psychotherapist, author, and friend Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) is seeking couples to be featured on her upcoming original audio series. Couples can be married or in a long-term committed relationship, and from all sexual orientations and cultural, racial, and religious backgrounds. Gay male couples are particularly encouraged to apply. For more info, go to tinyurl.com/perelaudio.

Listen to the Savage Lovecast every week at www.savagelovecast.com.

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Saturday, January 7, 2017

Savage Love: Be open about your open relationship

Plus: "Running" partners; Milk from the tap; Homo hookups; Therapy; and Xmas

Posted By on Sat, Jan 7, 2017 at 10:00 AM

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Last month, we recorded our Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular live at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. The audience submitted questions on tiny cards before the show, which allowed questioners to remain anonymous and forced them to be succinct. More questions were submitted than my guests and I could get to, so I promised the crowd I would answer as many of their unanswered questions as I could in this week’s column. Here we go…

If you’re married and in an open relationship, do you need to include that info in your Tinder profile? Or can you wait until later?

You should include/disclose that info in your profile (best practice), but many similarly situated men choose to wait until later (understandable practice, considering the stigma). But the existence of a spouse must be disclosed sometime between the end of the first text exchange and the start of the first blowjob.

My wife goes on long runs with her girlfriend. I’m sure they are having sex in the woods. I’m jealous because I’m not getting enough. What should I do?


 Get your own “running” partner.

I’m four months pregnant. My husband won’t stop talking about how excited he is to taste my breast milk. I said he could try it from a bottle, but he wants it from the source. I want to be GGG, but this weirds me out.

Tell your husband you’re going to table this topic for the time being. It’s possible you’ll be less weirded out by the idea once you’re actually breast-feeding, or the opposite is also a possibility. But pestering you about it for the next five months isn’t going to increase his chances of getting it from the source — quite the opposite. (And for the record: You can be GGG and still have hard limits/absolutely nots.)

I’m a 25-year-old gay man who doesn’t resonate with hookup culture. If I’m not comfortable fucking right away, how can I compete/find a partner?

I get your question all the time — which means you’re not alone. Be up front about what you are willing to do (fuck after a getting-to-know-you date or two) and what you are not willing to do (fuck after a “sup?” or two), and you’ll scare off the wrong-for-you boys and attract the right-for-you boys.

I’m too broken. I don’t know where to start.

Therapy.

Not a question, but a thank-you for helping me to undo my “Utah damage.” Grateful for you, Dan! Merry Xmas!

You’re welcome, former Utahan, a belated Merry Xmess to you, and a happy/watchful/politically-engaged/join-the-resistance New Year to all!

On the Lovecast, Dan Savage and the brilliant Randy Rainbow: savagelovecast.com.

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Friday, January 6, 2017

Savage Love: Hall pass orgasms

Plus: Foursomes; Arguments; Tossing salads; Lesbian bed death; and adding lovers.

Posted By on Fri, Jan 6, 2017 at 10:00 AM

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Last month, we recorded our Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular live at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. The audience submitted questions on tiny cards before the show, which allowed questioners to remain anonymous and forced them to be succinct. More questions were submitted than my guests and I could get to, so I promised the crowd I would answer as many of their unanswered questions as I could in this week’s column. Here we go…

“Hall passes” don’t work for many women because they can’t orgasm when having random sex once with a random guy. What alternative would you recommend?

Where is it written on your hall pass — or anyone else’s — that it can be used only with complete strangers? Nowhere, that’s where.

How do you propose a foursome with your longtime friends without freaking them out or ruining the friendship?


Not proposing the foursome is the only way to avoid potentially freaking your friends out and ruining the friendship.

How do you decide who wins an argument in a same-sex relationship?

A sudden-death round of Golden Girls trivia.

All straight guys want to put it in your butt, but when you suggest eating it first, they run for the hills. How can I bridge this gap and get my ass eaten?

Date gay guys.

How do I avoid lesbian bed death?

Date gay guys.

I’m in a FMF poly triad, and I’m looking to incorporate another guy into the mix. I’d look online, but I’m a public-school teacher in a small town. How do I find someone without outing myself and risking my career?


 Ask your partners to do the headhunting.

On the Lovecast, Dan Savage and the brilliant Randy Rainbow: savagelovecast.com.

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Thursday, January 5, 2017

Savage Love: Losing objects in your ass

Plus: Squirting; Topping; Trans-pregnancy; Embarrassed; and Donald talk

Posted By on Thu, Jan 5, 2017 at 2:53 PM

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Last month, we recorded our Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular live at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. The audience submitted questions on tiny cards before the show, which allowed questioners to remain anonymous and forced them to be succinct. More questions were submitted than my guests and I could get to, so I promised the crowd I would answer as many of their unanswered questions as I could in this week’s column. Here we go…

I’ve heard so many horror stories and seen countless X-rays online — any tips for making sure I don’t lose any objects in my ass?

You know what you never see in those X-rays? Butt plugs and other toys designed for butt play. Stick to butt plugs with flared bases, dildos with bases that look like balls, orange traffic cones, etc., and you’ll be fine.

How common is it really for women to squirt? I get conflicting reports.

This answer, courtesy of the Kinsey Institute, isn’t likely to satisfy you: “Somewhere from 10 to 54 percent of women experience some type of fluid expulsion in tandem with sexual arousal and orgasm.” Maybe the incoming Trump administration can put the scientists they’re pulling off climate change onto female ejaculation and we’ll have better numbers before the 2018 midterm elections.

How do I get my partner — who says he’s into it — to top me “properly,” i.e., work me into a sub space instead of him just melting into an ooey-gooey love ball?

There are lots of terrific pro doms in Portland, Oregon. Hire one who’s up for showing your partner what proper topping looks like.

Trans man and cis female, happily married, planning to get pregnant in the next five months. How do we break it to my wife’s family? Half of them don’t know I’m trans and will be carrying, and we don’t want to lie, but also we don’t want them to see us as anything other than just a couple.

Telling your partner’s family you’re trans isn’t going to decouple you. You’ll still be “just a couple,” it’s just that one of you is trans. Since you’re not going to be able to hide which one of you is pregnant — not in the Twitter/Instagram/Facebook era — the sooner you tell them, the sooner they’ll have their freak-outs, and the sooner they’ll return to seeing you as the couple you always were and still are.

My partner/husband of 40 years says I still embarrass him. Is this unusual?

If he says it affectionately and occasionally, it’s not a problem and it’s not unusual. If he says it to degrade/humiliate/control you, it’s a problem and it’s unacceptable.

How do white people talk to black people about Donald Trump?

Fifty-eight percent of white people voted for Trump, and 8 percent of black people voted for Trump. So yeah, maybe instead of talking to black people about Trump, white people should shut up and listen to black people instead?

On the Lovecast, Dan Savage and the brilliant Randy Rainbow: savagelovecast.com.

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Friday, December 23, 2016

Savage Love: The feet of another woman

And a bit of trans love

Posted By on Fri, Dec 23, 2016 at 12:00 PM

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I’m a 35-year-old man in a serious relationship — the best I’ve ever been in — with a girl I’ll likely marry. I’m happy with monogamy, aside from one aspect: I have a foot fetish that’s getting stronger with age and I can’t bear the thought of never sucking another girl’s toes again. I should note that my girlfriend is more than happy to shove her feet in my mouth, but I fantasize almost constantly about other women’s feet. I’m tempted to find paid foot-girls, something I’ve done in the past but never while in a relationship. But that would be cheating, right? I don’t think I can bring myself to ask for my girlfriend’s blessing, and I’d be shocked if she offered it. What do I do?
Fear Of Missing Out On Feet


You bring yourself to ask, FOMOOF, even if you have to drag your ass there. If your girlfriend is sex-positive — if she’s not just shoving her feet in your mouth to shut you up — initiate conversations about your kinks (and hers), your sexual history (and hers), and sexual adventures you might want to have with her in the future (and ones she might want to have with you). If she’s curious and interested and upbeat during these convos and about your kinks, suggest going to a foot fetish party together — one where you can suck other women’s toes and other men can suck hers.

I’m a man who is sexually attracted to trans women. I’ve been told that if I’m attracted to women, it shouldn’t matter what genitals they have. I’ve also been told that if I like penis, it shouldn’t matter if the owner presents as male or female. Am I unfairly fetishizing trans women?
Gain Understanding Into Loving Trans

You’re attracted to women, GUILT, some women have penises, and you find penis-having women particularly attractive. If you’re not attracted to men with penises and you’re not attracted to men like Buck Angel, i.e., trans men with vaginas, then you’re not attracted to men generally, cock or no cock. So long as you can state your preferences in a way that doesn’t dehumanize the people you are attracted to or denigrate the people you aren’t attracted to, GUILT, you have nothing to feel self-conscious or guilty about.

It’s the Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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Thursday, December 22, 2016

Savage Love: If you think you're being crazy, maybe you are

Posted By on Thu, Dec 22, 2016 at 11:05 AM

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I’m having an issue with my boyfriend, and I don’t know if I am the crazy, paranoid, controlling party here. We have been together for more than a year and a half. We had troubles early on because he has a low sex drive. It made me very insecure, and I think that’s why, at the time, I became extremely jealous of his friendship with his very attractive intern. I fully owned up to my irrational jealousy and decided on my own that it was my responsibility to overcome that. She eventually stopped working with him, and they haven’t been in contact for over sex months.

Fast-forward to the present. On Monday night, I asked my boyfriend what his plans were on Tuesday. (I am studying for law school exams, so I knew I wouldn’t have time to spend with him.) Around 8:30 on Tuesday, he texted me and asked how studying was going, and I asked him again what his plans were. He told me he was going to meet an “old coworker” at a bar for birthday drinks. I didn’t think twice about it.

Then, around 11:30 when I got in bed to relax, I saw on my Instagram feed that his old intern posted a photo of her birthday party at the bar. I became extremely upset, because instead of being up front and saying he was meeting HER for her birthday, he was intentionally ambiguous. I confronted him when he got home, and he admitted to being ambiguous to avoid a “freak-out.”

I told him that if he’d been up front with me, I would have been jealous but I would have also been mindful of my toxic feelings and not projected them onto him. I told him that as a result of how he handled it, I feel worse, I feel lied to, and I feel insecure. He acted like I was being ridiculous. He insisted it was a last-minute invite and he didn’t want to cause any drama.

We went to sleep, and I woke up feeling pretty much over it. But when he got into the shower, I looked at his phone and saw that she had actually invited him on Monday afternoon. So he lied to me when I asked him what his plans were on Tuesday, and he lied to me again when he said it was a last-minute invite.

I am not upset with him for getting drinks with her — most of his friends are female and I NEVER feel jealous about them. I have a weird tic about this girl, though, and I’ve owned up to it. I don’t want to control him, but I feel like I can’t trust him now. Up until now, I’ve never once suspected him of being dishonest.
Am I Crazy?


Sex months? Interesting typo.

There’s another way to read your boyfriend’s ambiguity/obfuscation/dishonesty about Tuesday night: equal parts considerate and self-serving. Your boyfriend knew you had to study, he knew his ex-intern is a sore subject/weird tic, and by opting for ambiguity he allowed you to focus on your studies. So that was maybekindasorta considerate of him. And since one person’s “mindful of my toxic feelings” and “handling it” is another person’s “freak-out” and “invasion of privacy,” AIC, your boyfriend opted for ambiguousness/deceit-by-omission to avoid drama. And perhaps that was self-serving of him.

Want to prove to your boyfriend that he didn’t need to lie to you about spending time with his ex-intern? Retroactively bestow your blessing on Tuesday night’s birthday drinks and stop raking him over the fucking coals for his thoroughly explicable actions. (They’re so explicable, I just explicked the shit out of them.) Yes, he lied to you. But unless you’re made of marshmallow fluff and unicorn farts, AIC, you’ve lied to him once or twice over the last year and a half. Even the “most honest” people on earth tell the odd, harmless, self-serving white lie once in a while. If you want your relationship to last, AIC, you roll your eyes at the odd HSSW lie and move on. If you want your relationship to end, you do exactly what you’re doing.

If your boyfriend hasn’t given you some other reason(s) to believe he’s cheating with his ex-intern or anyone else, AIC, drop the Tuesday night/birthday drinks subject. I would also advise you to apologize to your boyfriend for having “looked at his phone” while he was in the shower, which is both an asshole move and, yes, a sign that you might be the crazy, paranoid, and controlling one in this relationship. And for the sake of your relationship — for the sake of fuck — stop following the ex-intern on Instagram.

Finally, AIC, you mention mismatched sex drives. As several commenters pointed out on my blog, where your letter appeared as the Savage Love Letter of the Day, mismatched sex drives are usually a bad sign. You talk about the libido issue in the past tense, so perhaps it’s not a problem anymore. But if the problem was resolved in a way that left you feeling neglected, insecure, and frustrated, it wasn’t resolved and it constitutes a much bigger threat to your relationship than that ex-intern.

It’s the Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular! Listen at savagelovecast.com.

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