Friday, September 12, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Double trouble

Posted By on Fri, Sep 12, 2014 at 7:39 AM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here. 

I'm a woman, and I sometimes orgasm really quickly and then again a few minutes later if my partner keeps thrusting. My current BF orgasms right after the first one and falls asleep, and I feel cheated. Am I being greedy? And how do I get my dude to last through the second, usually bigger orgasm?

Sarah: On the one hand, I’m sympathetic, as I believe everyone should have all the orgasms they can. On the other hand, not all the sex you have in your life is going to be a multi-orgasmic affair. That said, most guys can go once, maybe twice in a good night, so men’s whole frame of reference for orgasms is a lot more narrow than ours. Maybe you could simply inform him that, in fact, you can orgasm a lot more if he just waits a G-D minute, sir. Otherwise, I say get that first one during foreplay and leave the second for the uglies-bumping portion of the evening. Let’s also keep in mind that most women only orgasm about 30% of the time from intercourse, so, at least once in a while, be grateful for the one you seem to consistently get. In the paraphrased words of Stephen Stills, if you can't be with the one who makes you come twice, honey, come with the one you’re with.

Debby: Your body works by being up for multiple orgasms. His works by coming quickly and then falling asleep. If he can last longer, you could ask him to delay until you have a second orgasm. However, if he cannot delay longer, try not to let it bother you. [Or, if he wants to try and last longer, he can try the stop-start technique described in my book, Sex Made Easy.]
Although orgasms are fun and pleasurable, is it really quantity that matters? Can you find other ways to make sex feel more pleasurable, such as through connection? Or, if quantity does matter to you, can you use your own fingers or a dildo or vibrator after or as he falls asleep? Try talking with your boyfriend about it, being respectful and kind about how his body works and see what you can make work. Good luck! 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Card Loss Dept.

Posted By on Thu, Sep 11, 2014 at 10:33 AM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here. 

How can I lose my virginity without it being really painful?

Sarah:
Regardless of the gender of the asker (who, from context clues, I’m guessing is female) my answer remains the same here: lots of lubrication and a partner who makes you feel safe, relaxed, and most importantly, really turned on. For your specific situation, I’d recommend tons of kissing and foreplay—as in, you should fool around until you literally can’t stand to have your clothes on—and then going slow when it’s time for actual P-in-V. Ideally, get a partner who you feel totally comfortable communicating with and whom you trust, and then LET HIM KNOW what’s going on with you and your body. And by the way, most guys feel almost as much trepidation about being a girl’s first as you do about losing it. The way to navigate these choppy waters is just to communicate and be honest about your physical and emotional feelings.

Debby: It’s not always painful to have intercourse for the first time. Sure, it is for some but for many people, it is very pleasurable and only mildly uncomfortable. Your best bet is to choose a partner with whom you feel comfortable and highly aroused. Your strong arousal will help you lubricate vaginally (I am assuming you’re a woman as men rarely fear painful first intercourse, unless it’s receptive anal sex they are wondering about). And if you are comfortable with your partner, then hopefully you will feel relaxed and also more easily able to say, if you feel it, “stop” or “go slow” or “be more gentle” or “this is amazing!” or whatever your experience is. 

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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Faultfinding missions

Posted By on Wed, Sep 10, 2014 at 5:29 AM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here. 

When I have bad sex, how do I know who’s at fault? Me or the girl?

Sarah: Not to go all linguistic philosopher on you, but what’s your definition of “bad”? There is such a multitude of meanings of “bad” in the bedroom: awkward, stiff, boring, uncoordinated, rushed, lazy, overzealous, trying-too-hard, collegiate and non-orgasmic (which are usually one in the same). But more often than not, bad sex is the result of two mismatched partners both trying to get what they want without paying attention to what their partner wants or is responding to. Bad sex often starts with one or more partners betting really, really hard on one special “move” (worse, still, if the move has a name) that you concentrate so hard on completing that you forget to pay any attention to your partner or whether they even like it. Bad sex begins in the pages of dating books authored by men with one-word monikers, or women who really just want to get on The Today Show and turn their blog into a movie. The threat of bad sex shouts at you from the neon covers of Cosmo in the checkout line at Marsh. Don’t pay attention to any of that shit. Get in the bedroom, get naked and get vocal about what you like and don’t like.

Debby: Bad, or unpleasurable or awkward, sex is sometimes one person’s fault and more often a shared issue, as in “it takes two to tango”. Let’s say one person wants intimate, eyes-open, lights on sex and yet they have sex in the dark and don’t look at each other or share feelings. If Person A doesn’t describe the kind of sex he or she prefers, and Person B doesn’t ask or share either, then it’s a shared problem. On the other hand, if Person A shares what he or she wants and Person B disregards it, then B isn’t being a very cooperative partner. Ultimately, it matters less whose fault it is and more than both partners turn towards each other and try to create an intimacy that works. 

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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Patience before perversion

Posted By on Tue, Sep 9, 2014 at 6:21 AM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here.

I've never been a perverted kind of guy and I wanted to wait till I meet someone who interests me to have sex but today I got a boner so stiff I couldn't stand it. I jerked off to porn for 4 hours and I still have a boner. Nothing satisfies me. What do I do?

Sarah: You jerked off for four hours and you still have an erection!? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you’re mulling your options for some kind of Homecoming-related festivities—either high school or the first couple of years of college when you give still give a shit. If you have literally had a boner for four hours, I’ve got bad news: you need to proceed to a hospital immediately to prevent long-term damage, which is no fucking joke. Also, while we’re here, it’s important to note that sexual perversion and a high sex drive are not the same thing. As for what to do, keep jerkin’ it so right and wait for time to tug on the reins of your sex drive.

Debby: If you mean that your erection has essentially not gone down all day (i.e., it has stayed erect) then I recommend seeing a healthcare provider. If, on the other hand, you simply feel highly aroused and keep wanting to have sex, that may be normal for you. Some people feel very easily aroused. If your high level of arousal or interest in masturbation distresses you, consider meeting with a sex therapist to talk more about the issue - find one through sstarnet.org or aasect.org. 

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Monday, September 8, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Bloodsugar, sex, magic

Posted By on Mon, Sep 8, 2014 at 11:16 AM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here.

So can blood sugar, hypoglycemia and diabetes, affect my erection? And any suggestions for the uninsured male on what I can do to help this problem?


Sarah: A lot of things can affect your capacity for hardness, including diabetes as well as other chronic illnesses. Since I know this anecdotally from a Netflix documentary, I will gracefully bow out of answering any more of this question from a medical perspective. On the latter half, sign up for insurance through the ACA! The marketplace has enormously diversified since insurers realized the ACA was going to stick.

Debby: Yes, a range of health problems can affect sexual function, including erections. Men who have uncontrolled or poorly treated diabetes are at a particularly high risk of developing erectile difficulties, not to mention serious health problems. The Affordable Care Act has meant that millions more Americans can access health insurance now and I would encourage you to look into your options for healthcare, not just for sex but more generally. A healthcare provider can talk with you about lifestyle modifications (e.g., diet, exercise) that may help as well as any medical treatments that may be recommended. 

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Friday, September 5, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: The fountain of truth

Posted By on Fri, Sep 5, 2014 at 3:56 PM

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I am a woman and my husband just showed me a short clip of a porn video online of a woman climaxing and "squirting" everywhere. Is this common? Am I the odd one out? Or is this a porn gimmick and she's really just urinating? It looks pretty clear in color…

Sarah: If porn were an accurate indicator of “common” real life sex, your husband would be muscle-bound, orange, and have 9-inch dick that just don’t quit. You would be going to bed in full hair and makeup and any contact your husband’s penis made with your body would wrack your entire nervous system with pleasure. Your sexual episodes would be hours long with gymnastic changes in position every 6 minutes. We both know this is probably not the case. Do some women ejaculate? Yep, some do, and some don’t. Most of the ones that do don’t shoot with the geyser-like force that shows up so frequently in porns. Sometimes it just happens, but you shouldn’t chase after it like it’s a level-up in your sexual prowess game. That will just drain all the fun out of your sex life.

Debby: It’s not entirely clear how common female ejaculation is but some women do experience it. I suspect that some porn companies recruit specific women who experience female ejaculation so that they can market those specific images to folks who are interested. On the other hand, some women have taught themselves to emit certain fluids, though this is generally not recommended as these lessons often involve bearing down on the pelvic floor muscles (not good - we want to keep those muscles strong to reduce the risk of incontinence!). Take home: If it happens naturally, cool. If not, I wouldn’t force it. You can learn more about female ejaculation in The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality. [By the way: you might want to “Like” my Bloomington Sex Salon page at facebook.com/bloomingtonsalon as I have a wonderful guest speaker coming to town in October on this very topic!]

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Thursday, September 4, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Fluid sexualities

Posted By on Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 1:22 PM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here. 

Fluid Sexualities 

What happens to the sperm if the man finished inside you during anal sex? If it doesn't come out...does it just stay in there forever?

Sarah: Actually, if you let it stay up in there, your body absorbs a little bit of that partner’s DNA and for 72 hours afterward, you look like them just a little bit. You know how they say some couples look like each other after being together for a while? Well, now you know it’s the couples who do it in the butt more often. It’s just science, really.*

Debby: For some reason this brought to mind an unusual image of sperm setting up house, Bearenstein Bear style (like in a tree, but it’s an anus) and that does not happen. Things - including sperm - can and do leave the anus. Gravity can work wonders on semen ejaculated into an anus or vagina. So nope… it’s not in there forever. 

*It's not. 

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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: It's really not that deep

Posted By on Wed, Sep 3, 2014 at 2:59 AM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here. 

Depth Finder

Can I hurt a guy while having anal sex with him? I don't want to hit any vital organs or anything…

Sarah: Listen, reader, I know a humblebrag when I read one. I mean, vital organs? Really? When you walk into a crowded room, do you say aloud to your companion at front-of-stage volume, “Boy I hope my giant vaulting pole of a penis doesn’t cause any problems at this [exaggerated eyebrow raise] cock-tail party!” Unless one of your parents is a broom handle or your technique involves a running start and/or a trampoline to mount, I don’t think this is something you should worry about.

Debby: It’s unlikely that you would hurt someone having anal sex. Of course, on occasion, people do experience significant tears in the anus (during anal intercourse) or the vagina or vulva (during vaginal intercourse) so it’s not like there are never any sex injuries, but they are super unlikely. For tips on safer, more pleasurable anal exploration and anal sex, check out our Good in Bed Guide to Anal Pleasuring (see goodinbed.com). 

Hi Sarah and Dr. Deb! Loyal reader of "Ask the Sex Doc" here. Here's my question. What are we NOT asking you guys? Is there any sex-related issue / concern / best practice / trend etc. that's particularly of interest to either of you right now that no one has asked? What question would you want us to ask? (And can you give us an answer to it? :) Thanks!

Sarah: Thanks for hanging in there with us since the beginning! I guess I am always kind of surprised that most of our questions still mostly pertain "Am I good?"-style questions about their own bodies. If this column serves any great public policy purpose, it's proof that our public school sex education is a joke, and a hetero-normative one at that. I'm also often surprised that we don't get more questions from our younger readers who are still looking for answers to their sexual queries. I'd love to put together a MacGyver-style list of household objects that can also be deployed for sexual purposes. More than anything, I want to know about that little tickling thought about that one thing in the back of everyone's mind—the image that pops into your mind unexpectedly, or shows up in dreams. I just want to open up conversations about all the things you're not supposed to have conversations about, so that we can all realize that we're all at least a little weird, but mostly, we're all exactly alike—in the most liberating way. 

Debby: Thanks for being a loyal reader! Ask us anything! As for interests, right now my research at IU focuses on a few primary areas. One is love and intimacy in relationships (e.g., is it easier for people to have orgasms if they love the person, feel loved in return, or find sex to be emotionally intimate? How does that vary by gender and sexual orientation)? Another huge area of my research lately is exercise-induced orgasm and arousal - that is, the experience many women and men have of feeling aroused or having orgasms while doing sit-ups, climbing ropes, doing pull-ups, running, and so on. I find it fascinating. But seriously: ask anything. 

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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: The 20-year itch

Posted By on Tue, Sep 2, 2014 at 12:50 PM

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The Sex Doc is now a daily! Check back here every day for a new question. Have one for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send it anonymously here. 

I am a 41 year old straight male and I haven't had sex since my late teens. Even then, it was only a few times and not pleasant. It just felt awkward and I could only get half-erect and never finish. Over the years, I have dated off and on but I always ended it before it became too physical, usually within 3-4 dates, until eventually I gave up. Oddly enough, I am not shy or lack confidence normally. I find dating rather easy actually. But anything more than kissing and I panic. Any suggestions?

Sarah: Do you want to have sex? In other words, have you investigated your desire and sex drive before judging the bejeesus out of yourself for not having had a lot of sex in your lifetime? If you replaced “sex” with “going to music festivals” in this question, my answer would be, “Stop buying tickets to music festivals. You don’t like them. You’re an LPs-at-home guy, and that’s totally cool.” And about these dates, are you actually building the interpersonal intimacy necessary to bridge the gap into physical intimacy? Or are you showing up in a nice shirt and reminding yourself constantly to look interested and keep asking questions? A lot of people are great at acting like a “good date” based on TV and movie tropes, and a lot of people are “good at sex” in the same manner. The thing that makes it real-life great is building emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and being genuinely open to making a connection with another person. And no matter what your “tissue issues” are, the input of a trained therapist or counselor is invaluable when sorting out these kinds of things. It’s all good, man. Everyone could use a shrink.

Debby: Sarah asks a good question. Do you want to have sex? And, if so, do you want to have sex with adult women (presumably that’s who you’re dating since you said you’re a straight man)? Some people feel more “asexual” than sexual and don’t feel that attracted to other people. Others feel very averse to sexual behaviors - truly grossed out or panicky about sex - often because of a strict or shameful religious, cultural, or family approach to sex. Other times, that early awkwardness gets in the way. If you want to explore this further, you can find a sex therapist through the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (sstarnet.org) or local sex coach extraordinaire, Kathleen Baldwin (tellkathleenanything.com). 

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: orgasmic insemination, penile dreaming, helping hands

Posted By on Wed, Aug 27, 2014 at 2:28 PM

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Have a question for NUVO's resident sex doctor, the Kinsey Institute's Dr. Debby Herbenick? Ask anonymously here. 

Sexed-Up Insemination

I am a lesbian and my partner and I are trying to get pregnant—they say having an orgasm makes pregnancy more likely, but the turkey baster (aka syringe) method is not very sexy. Has anyone invented some sort of dildo sperm delivery device? — Anonymous

Sarah: Whoa. This had absolutely never crossed my mind, so thank you for giving me food for thought. I’m not sure about the dildo, but I’m curious about your insistence that the orgasm and semen delivery be a 2-in-1 deal. I mean, there are a million ways to make a lady orgasm and only a couple ways to get sperm in there. I’m sure the item you’re looking for exists (and is probably available for same-day delivery), but you’re in the unique position of being able to have a lot more control over the placement of the semen. Add in a squirting fake dick and it seems like the clinical control factor goes way down. If I were you, I’d go for the orgasm (I mean, you should always go for the orgasm) and keep the baby-makin’ part separate. Good luck!

Debby: Yes, there is indeed a squirting dildo thanks to Doc Johnson and you can fill it with the liquid of your choice, including semen you happen to have on hand. However, the orgasm/pregnancy research is mixed at best and not all researchers think it’s sufficient enough to bank on, so my advice would be to focus on getting sperm deep inside your vagina and worry less about the orgasm in terms of conception (but obviously if you can make conceiving more pleasurable, enjoy). And while there’s no research that I know of to suggest laying on your back or placing pillows underneath your hips to keep more sperm inside you, a little gravity cannot hurt and might help. Good luck with your baby making - little people are super fun and important to our future!

Rooster in the henhouse

I am a lesbian and am totally into my partner, but often during sex I imagine being penetrated by men. Does this mean something deeper about my sexuality? —Anonymous

Sarah: Who knows, but probably not. I’ve had all sorts of strange characters make appearances in my brain during the deed, including Hulk Hogan, who I find physically repulsive and imagine smells like coconut oil and Drakkar Noir 24 hours a day. Our brains are a complex, labyrinthine storage unit center where things tend to tumble out of certain vestiges and unlocked doors. Either way, our thoughts are no dictators over our actions, and just because you’ve imagined being penetrated by man doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your sexuality.

Debby: It means you’re human! Seriously: self-identified sexual orientation seems to not have tons to do with our fantasies or enjoyments. Enjoy your partner - and your fantasy world.

Hope, Solo’ed

My partner has orgasms very quickly and easily, but for me the process usually takes much longer and often I have to 'help'. Is there anything i can do that would make it easier to let my partner get me off without me stepping in to help?  —Anonymous 

Sarah: Try switching the game up so that orgasm is not the end goal for both of you. Play it like it’s high school in the back of your mom’s minivan and no one really knows what they’re doing and all you can do is touch and see what happens. Take your time playing and having fun. You could also build anticipation up by having a little morning foreplay and then making him or her wait all day to finish the job (mean, but very effective). Also, never underestimate the energized and energizing effects of morning sex when you’re all rested and before the tiring bullshit of the world reaches your ears. Best luck to you!

Debby: Time and practice and patience: few people’s favorite answers but there’s a lot of truth to that. If you are in a relatively new relationship, then as you get to know one another and your partner becomes more familiar with your body (and hopefully your intimacy and connection grows, too), then orgasm may be easier. If you have had recent health problems or started a new medication that is interfering with your orgasm, then mention that to a doctor or nurse. You can, of course, try to show your partner more of what you like - but if you and your partner are both okay with you assisting (which can be a huge turnon to many people), why not? Does it really matter, as long as you’re both enjoying your sexualities together?

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Speaking in tongues, liquid assets

Posted By on Wed, Aug 20, 2014 at 10:34 AM

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My boyfriend's tongue has all the dexterity of a chicken nugget, and sometimes I feel like he's just poking me with it. I've tried to talk him through some alternative techniques with little success. Any words of wisdom or helpful hints?  —Anonymous

Sarah: For some reason, porn teaches dudes that if you sort of poke or slightly batter the clitoris with a pointed tongue, it somehow should make a woman writhe with almost intolerable pleasure. Try to contain your LOLs. Let me make this really simple for you: just tell him to imagine you’ve spilled honey on your nethers and he should lick like he’s trying to get all the sticky off—like, all the stickiness off. However, do not practice with actual honey around your junk because you don’t want to get actual sugar up in there. Don’t ask me how I know this. To be good at it, though, your dude has to not play around like he’s trying to avoid too much actual tongue contact with your vag, and you have to be vocal about what you like. No matter whom you’re doing it on and what their pants parts look like, though, you just can’t pull off satisfying oral sex and keep your face clean. There. It’s been said.

Debby: Practice, practice, practice. Stop for a moment and say what you like “softer” or “like this”. Have him practice on your stomach or neck. Practice on his and show him what you like. Whatever you do, though, be kind and gentle with your words just as it seems you want him to be a bit more gentle with his tongue. I imagine he’s trying...

My female partner ejaculates, sometimes during sex but more often by touching herself after sex. Is this only possible for some women or can I someday experience this wonder for myself? —Anonymous

Sarah: Again with the “squirting challenge!” I just don’t get the obsession, outside of a curiosity that it feels significantly different or better. Think about other scenarios in which liquid is ejected from your body. Imagine if some people also drooled when they laughed really hard, and an entire series of internet videos where you learn how to “tell such a funny joke, you’ll be soaked!” It’s kind of an insult wrapped in a compliment, right? “Girl, I’m gonna make you cum so hard, you’ll be doing laundry for days.” It just seems a little silly to put all this pressure (ha) on this one singular outcome of sex that isn’t widely understood except that it’s a vagina doing something we associate with dicks, and if that’s the root of the fascination (which is my theory), then this is a weird one to chalk up in the Equality column. Maybe you’ll squirt. Maybe you won’t. But comparing your orgasm to your partner’s in a covetous way will ultimately just detract from your pleasure.

Debby: Not all women ejaculate and though there are books and, in some cities, workshops on how to experience female ejaculation, many sex researchers and educators (including me) are not big fans of that process. The major reason is because many of the books/classes recommend bearing down on the pelvic floor muscles, which may possible stress or weaken them and generally we want to keep those muscles strong and in good shape so as not to increase the risk incontinence later on. One concern - and we don’t know this, but it is a common concern - is that at least some women who teach themselves to ejaculate many not be ejaculating at all but may instead be releasing urine. So far no study has examined that possibility, and that idea may be wrong, but it’s something a lot of us wonder about. I’m a bigger fan of supporting those who do ejaculate and encouraging everyone to explore the full potential of lots of their body parts to be stimulated and to experience pleasure.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: weathered heads, position addictions, weighty matters and butt stuff.

Posted By on Wed, Aug 13, 2014 at 12:38 PM

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Have a question for Dr. Debby Herbenick of the Kinsey Institute? Send them in HERE.

Hooked on a feelin’


My BF and I have gotten into a habit of having sex where I'm on top. Now when we have sex in other positions, his boner softens up halfway through and he asks for me to be on top again so he can finish. He didn't used to deflate during other positions. Is something wrong, or is this a 'humans are creatures of habit' thing?

Sarah: Ah, the male boner. It’s a mental game as well as a physical one, getting the old flag to rise up proudly on that pole. There’s not much we can gather with outside speculation about what makes one position that much more bonerific for your boyfriend, so you have to just talk to him about it. Maybe he’s had a tough couple of weeks at work or school and he wants to just kind of take it easy while he bangs. Maybe his thrusting muscles are sore. Maybe you have amazing boobs and you ride it so right, who knows? Answer: he does. So cook a nice dinner together, drink some wine, and ask him for some time out of the saddle.

Debby: It could be habit but it could also be preference. Have you asked him? Does it feel like a physical thing for him or is it the visual stimulation of seeing you on top that enhances his arousal? There’s no single position that does it for everyone, and preferred positions are a mix of numerous factors, so your best course of action is to talk with him about it. Caring about his preference matters, but he also needs to care about your preference, and it’s okay to want to finish in other positions from time to time as well.

Skin and Boned

Is sex better for skinny people? I've noticed that I have better sex when my weight is fluctuating on the lower side. When I pork back up, I feel like my stamina is off and it's harder to finish. Maybe this is all in my head and just because I'm self conscious when I gain a few pounds. Thoughts?

Sarah: I used to experience a similar pattern, especially during the winter when my post-holiday gain felt like it was 100 extra pounds and not 10. There’s the part of it where you feel bad about your appearance, but we also have to be aware that exercising less makes us feel like we have lower energy; not to mention that carrying around extra weight is literally more physically tiring from movin that extra mass around, meaning you end up with a lot less energy at the end of the day—often leading to a recursive cycle of fat-shaming and anti-social behavior. My best advice is to get into some meditation and make a habit of gauging how you feel in a holistic way, not just stepping on and off a scale. Once you learn to separate your mood and self-esteem from your appearance and get into the habit of being kind to your body with food and exercise and enjoying that feeling rather than the numbers game, the sex thing will work itself out. I promise.

Debby: Generally speaking, sex can be good for people of various body shapes and sizes. Research that looks at body mass index (BMI; an imperfect measure but one of the few we have) and sexual function has found that it’s not BMI that makes or breaks good sex, but how we feel about our bodies. And probably fitness (not just fatness) matters too. So if you feel better about your body when you’re on the skinny side, or if you’re generally fitter when skinny, then either or both of those could translate into better, more confident sex that comes along with greater endurance. What matters is that you figure out what works for you and your sexuality, so good for you for being self-aware.


Headweathered

I was circumcised as a babe. It wouldn't have been my first choice, but whatever; I don't know/care what I'm missing, chicks dig scars etc. Thing is, the uh, northern face of my glans has suffered from a bit of erosion. I naturally assumed this scarring was a result of my spirit bone being more intense than my admittedly mortal flesh will allow. Apparently though, cut dudes just have weathered dick heads. Is there a way to get that shit smooth as Will Smith in Hitch?

Sarah: I’d give you the same advice that I give women who ask me what kind of pubic topiary men “prefer.” To wit: “By the time he gets face-to-puss with your bush, the only thought in his head at that point is ‘VICTORY!’” In other words, if you think it’s going to be weird for partners, it’s unlikely to be noticed at all. As far as smoothness goes, the makeup artist in me wants to recommend what I always do for weathered skin: healing oils, glycerine-based lotions with hydrophilic hyaluronic acid to plump the skin. Otherwise, spend your thinkin’ calories on something more worthwhile.

Debby: I’m not sure what you mean about having a weathered glans (head) - this is not necessarily a characteristic of men who have been circumcised. I’d recommend talking with a dermatologist (a doctor who specializes in skin health). There are plenty of skin conditions that can also affect the genitals, or primarily affect the genitals, and if you have one of those it may be treated with a topical cream or ointment, as some are.

Pole Reversal

So I'm dating a new guy and will be going from a Top to a Bottom. Can you tell me the best way to get really clean up in there. Are "Shower Shot" safe? And what if I can't get a Shower Shot and need to do the cleaning soon. What can I do with normal shower items?

Sarah: I have friends who are all over the map on this one. I know a lot of bottoms who just kind of time their eating so that they don’t really have to deal with enemas and the lot. However, even if you can’t get the equivalent of an anal super-soaker like the Shower Shot, they might have just what you need at either your local Target or Lowe’s Home Improvement in the form of either a regular enema bag (everything but the continuous pressure!) or get some tubing that would fit an enema nozzle and a faucet diverter and do it your damn self! (Although we should let you know that Indianapolis has-same day delivery from Amazon and there are lots of Prime-eligible options here, FYI.) Since you asked for ways to get “super clean” up there, I might suggest just trying the old hospital-style gravity method first as that might be all the clean you need. Then again, you wouldn’t get a chance to try this “silicone attachment” which sure looks like fun.
 which sure looks like fun. 

Debby: Shower Shot and other douches are used by some men to clean out their anus prior to having anal sex, but they’re not necessary. Honestly, some people - in advance of bottoming - just avoid foods that are likely to make them feel gassy or loosey goosey and/or they go to the bathroom ahead of time. If you feel more confident doing an anal douche first, try to avoid harsh chemicals and if you notice any redness or itching or irritating, stop and/or check in with a healthcare provider.  

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