Dear James M. Baker,

On behalf of all those who oppose you, we thank you for outing yourself as a bigot in the March 14-21, 2007, edition of NUVO, Letters (“Abyss of Eternal Damnation”). Now, I know that coming out is difficult. Lord knows I had to do it five times before my mother believed I was gay.

Anyhow, on to business. As you are keenly aware, thanks to Eric Miller, there is a Gay Agenda. Yes, that’s right: We were created by man. We evolved. We rebelled. There are many copies, and we have a plan. The plan is construction of a time machine! We’re going to send people like yourself back to a place and time where you’ll feel much more comfortable.

I’m going to suggest we send you to the German front lines during WWII in the last months of the war. That way you’ll stand a very good chance of being carpet-bombed, disemboweled or shot by an American G.I. just jumping at the chance to rid the Earth of a freedom-hating, anti-American Nazi like yourself. You might survive, but I bet you’ll let all that pent up rage make you jump up and make yourself an easy target.

I know you’ll be very happy there!