On the first day of November as I walked the streets of downtown Indianapolis, I thought I smelled the distinct odor of sulfur in the air. Then I remembered: Dick Cheney was in town!

Indeed, Darth Vader himself was speaking at the Indiana World War Memorial. The event, sponsored by the American Legion and attended by some 350 veterans and National Guard members, would be nearly impossible to infiltrate, but I knew I had to try.

I joined the (small) crowd waiting outside the War Memorial and when Cheney arrived I squeezed in as close to him as I could, only to be elbowed in the sternum by a large Secret Service agent. I was not allowed in the building, nor did I see the vice president again.

But during that brief moment when I was within inches of the man, my razor-sharp journalistic instincts kicked in. I noticed a folded piece of paper sticking out of the vice president’s overcoat pocket. His speech, perhaps? In an instant, my hand darted toward the coat, I grabbed the paper, received the agent’s jab, then I stumbled away, shouting, “Go get ’em, Dick!” so as to look like nothing more than an over-zealous supporter.

What was written on that single sheet of paper? I will tell you.

Now, you may say that exposing this classified national security document stolen from the overcoat pocket of the vice president of the United States makes me a traitor. A Benedict Arnold. A Jane Fonda, even.

Well, it doesn’t. It makes me a patriot. It makes me a lover of freedom, the kind willing to risk rendition to a secret prison in Uruguay in order to bring you the truth. This, my fellow citizens, is the contents of the document carried by Vice President Dick Cheney as he arrived to speak in our city:

Note to self — make sure our A.G. pick Mukasey is on board with the following:

Examples of valid suspected terrorist interrogation techniques/definitely not torture.

* Waterboarding.
* Surfboarding (use salt water).
* Ironing boarding.
* Chinese water torture.
* Slip-n-Slide water torture.
* Rubber hose beatings.
* The up-your-nose-with-a-rubber-hose technique.
* Electric shock to personal areas.
* Leeches applied to personal areas.
* Harriet Miers applied to personal areas.
* Buried up to head in sand, biting ants technique.
* Ants in your pants technique.
* The “Axl Rose Sings Christmas Classics” CD.
* Your face is Rosie O’Donnell’s toilet seat technique.
* The “Scooby Doo” or the “Mr. Magoo.”
* Medieval shit you don’t even want to know about.