Biorhythms say Colts, Bible says Bears

The media is full of predictions and forecasts of what will happen on the field during Super Bowl XLI. Every last statistic and every piece of game film will have been analyzed at least a dozen times before the game finally starts at 6:25 p.m. Sunday.

But one area suffering from a lack of coverage is what ancient forms of prediction have to say about the game. Sure, the relative merits of Rex Grossman and Peyton Manning will have been explored endlessly, but what do the tarot cards have to say?

NUVO did a tarot reading on the Colts-Bears matchup — and the results aren’t good. We started with a standard nine-card Cross and Triangle spread and the question, “Will the Colts win the Super Bowl?”

The first card, the significator, was the Five of Cups, also known as the Disappointment card. According to façade.com, an online tarot site, the meaning of the Five of Cups, when reversed, is “Accepting a loss. Overcoming sadness and grief to get on with your life.” Also, it may “allude to a broken relationship or tragedy.”

The I Ching was more optimistic. The coin flips revealed hexagram number 41, the Sun, whose interpretation reads, “If there is sincerity in sacrifice, there will be great good fortune, freedom from error, firmness and correctness that can be maintained, and advantage in every movement that shall be made.”

The Colts’ biorhythms also look good for Feb. 4, Super Bowl Sunday. Assuming a birth date of March 24, 1984, when the team moved to Indianapolis from Baltimore, all three of the team’s biorhythm cycles — physical, emotional and intellectual — are near peak levels.

The Bears’ biorhythms, by contrast, were all on the downswing for Feb. 4, although Rex Grossman’s personal biorhythms looked good.

A reading of runes was inconclusive. A dozen coin tosses were split evenly between the Colts and Bears.

Another time-honored mode of prediction is stichomancy, or the selection of a random passage from a holy text. We used the King James edition of the Bible on a religious Web site.

The text it offered up, Exodus 33:4-5, is hardly encouraging to Colts fans, although its meaning is open to interpretation. “And when the people heard these evil tidings, they mourned: and no man did put on him his ornaments. For the Lord had said unto Moses, Say unto the children of Israel, Ye are a stiffnecked people: I will come up into the midst of thee in a moment, and consume thee: therefore now put off thy ornaments from thee, that I may know what to do unto thee.”

Does it mean that the Colts will not wear the Super Bowl ring, or does it indicate that the Lord will smite the people of Chicago for being so stiff-necked? God only knows.

With the other indicators giving mixed results, the tiebreaker would be one that has correctly predicted the last three Super Bowl winners, a computer-versus-computer matchup on Madden NFL for the Playstation 2.

After winning the coin toss, a 10-play, 70-yard drive by the Colts stalled near the goal line and the team had to settle for a 19-yard Adam Vinatieri field goal. The Bears marched down the field on the strength of their running game but also could only manage a field goal.

A 26-yard pass from Manning to Wayne made the game 10-3 early in the second quarter. A long Bears drive was stopped at the 1-yard line and a field goal made the game 10-6 with 2:00 left in the half.

A Manning interception gave the Bears the ball deep in Colts territory and Grossman completed a touchdown pass with :05 left, giving the Bears a 13-10 lead at halftime.

Manning was picked off again in the third quarter. The Bears’ Thomas Jones scampered 11 yards into the end zone near the end of the quarter, giving the Bears a 20-10 lead.

In the fourth quarter, a 13-play, 83-yard drive culminating in a 9-yard Manning touchdown pass to Brandon Stokely narrowed the gap to 20-17 with 3:12 left. On a third-and-long play, Jones fumbled the ball and the Colts recovered, but a replay challenge reversed the call.

The Colts returned the ensuing punt to their own 40, but Manning threw an interception, his third, with just over a minute to play. The Bears ran out the clock. With 140 rushing yards, Jones was named the game’s MVP.

To summarize, the Bears were chosen to win by the Tarot, the Bible and Madden NFL 07. The Colts were chosen by the biorhythm charts and the I Ching. It would be a mistake to wager a large sum of money on the game based on these results.

Where’s Miss Cleo when you need her?

Luckily, there are only a few days left before all questions will be answered where they should be: on the playing field of Dolphin Stadium in Miami.