Let’s abolish Halloween
by Steve Hammer Oct 17, 2007
Why give Satan more publicity?
This week and next, thousands of adults in our city will be looking through catalogs, talking to their friends and generally worrying themselves to death about what kind of Halloween costume they’ll be wearing this year.
Personally, I haven’t dressed up for Halloween since I hit puberty and the neighbors decided they didn’t want to hand over fun-sized bars of Snickers or 3 Musketeers. But there are plenty of grownups who go to elaborate lengths on their costumes, and it just baffles me.
Why would an adult want to dress up like Raggedy Ann, or Cartman from South Park? Don’t they have better things to do? Is it really that important?
I have absolutely no problem with kids wanting to wear a costume and prowl their neighborhood in search of free candy. I was an expert at doing so myself. There is a reward in doing so. The expense of a costume is exceeded by the benefit of getting a grocery bag of Smarties and Twizzlers.
As a grownup, I’ve reversed my position. Feed your own damn kids. Don’t send them to my house unless you want me to offer them some hypertension medicine, some empty soda cans or a box of Kraft Macaroni ‘n Cheese. That’s all I have to offer them.
I wish someone would explain to me the reward for an adult who dresses up like Superman and attends a Halloween party. Usually the only reward is free booze, which is available at pretty much any party anyway. If you’re a single man, your costume is unlikely to impress any female enough to make it worth your while.
And in the worst case scenario, you’ll wake up with vomit all over your George W. Bush costume, nursing a bad hangover and kicking yourself for being so stupid as to get dressed up in the first place.
Besides that, I’m not sure I want to associate myself with someone dressed up as a Lord of the Rings or Star Wars character, much less a witch. I’ve tried all my life to disassociate myself from Star Wars freaks, witches, Harry Potter fans and the like. So far, I’ve been pretty successful.
Secondly, I have a problem with the idea of Halloween as a holiday. I’ve read too many Jack Chick tracts telling me that Halloween is Satan’s Christmas and I’m uncomfortable with anything that celebrates the Prince of Darkness.
We get enough satanic rhetoric from Ann Coulter and right-wing politicians these days. We don’t need to go creating more of it. I’m a fundamentalist Southern Baptist and holding a special occasion to celebrate the lord of the demonic underworld is just a little too much to ask of me.
Besides, Satan is already winning the battle for souls on earth. Why help him along with his task? He’s got wars, famine, disease, pestilence and American Idol, so why give him another thing to celebrate? We may as well just open up the seventh seal, take the mark of the beast on our foreheads and make Bush president for life.
OK. I’ll admit it. I hate Halloween only in part because of Satan. It’s mainly because I’ve been getting a little bit of pressure at home to choose a Halloween costume. My wife, who has a genius-level IQ and impeccable judgment in almost every single category, would like us to attend a Halloween party.
I knew a guy who dressed up as the World Trade Centers right after 9/11 and he almost got lynched – rightfully so. I’d wear a Nixon mask, since he’s my hero, but they stopped selling those things in the late 1970s. And nobody would get it if I dressed up as a character from my favorite video game, San Andreas. They’d just think I was trying to be Biggie Smalls.
So, besides the fact that I’ll be assisting Satan if I celebrate Halloween, I just don’t have any ideas. I thought about wearing a three-piece suit and pretending to be Sen. Larry Craig, but I’d just look like a dork in a suit who’s tapping his feet and soliciting gay sex.
The only idea I like is the notion of Katie and I dressing up as Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, the stars of our new favorite TV show and the topic of much discussion between us. Briefly, my position is that Ricky is the coolest character ever. He owns a business, wears snappy clothes and is a talented bandleader with plenty of celebrity pals. Lucy, on the other hand, is a gold-digging, loudmouthed trollop with a penchant for getting into trouble.
So I could get behind being Lucy and Ricky, since I’m already a talented, good-looking person with plenty of celebrity friends. I’m on a first-name basis with David Lindquist, Tufty and the Slurs. It would be like playing myself.
But if I win this argument, there’ll be no Halloween in our house. If I don’t, I’ll be carrying a conga drum and singing “Babalu.”
To me, that’s as bad as honoring the devil.
Comments on Let’s abolish Halloween
Coloring Page Now!
by Jack The Ripple | Nov 23, 2007
Replace Hammer and Hoppe With Coloring Pages Immediately!
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.
by Lillirot | Oct 27, 2007
It is interesting to see that NUVO hires such ignorant columnists. I assure you, this is the last time I visit this site and the last time I pick up a paper.
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fool
by david | Oct 23, 2007
stupid fool open your eyes b4 your mouth go read a book and learn something and by the way without the devil there would have been no need for your jesus ya know christmas and easter but i bet you stick out eggs filled with junk food for your kids because thats what jesus crapped out right i hope you are not as much of a fool as you sound like byt he way thanks for the twin towers idea i thin that will be my costume
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re: Let's abolish Halloween
by aasch | Oct 23, 2007
What a shame you were mis-informed as to the origins of this wonderful holiday!
Although it is derived from Pagan beliefs celebrating the harvest, Pagans do not believe in Satan or an Anti-Christ and are in no way associated with such things. (King James also wrote wrote the Daemonologie, a tract in favour of the existence of witchcraft)
The Christians adopted this celebration which is also known as All Saints Day. This is the day following All Souls Eve celebrating all the faithful saints and martyrs, known or unknown. Or people who have passed on known or unknown.
I suggest becoming more informed in a subject before you scoff at it.
Listen to your wife! Sometimes it is healthier to endulge in fantasy for a short time rather than focusing your negative energy toward it.
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Halloween
by Brian | Oct 20, 2007
Thanx Hammer..You did a fantastic job expressing Joe Average's understanding of a great holiday. Satan has NOTHING to do with it. Halloween is a remnant of an older harvest festival. One associated largely with the livestock harvest in prep for the Winter months ahead. Satan was acribed to it in effort to turn the sheeple off the old ways. They did the same with Easter and Yule but were a lot more successful by rewriting their own character into the pre-existing storyline. Baaaaaaa Baaaaaa
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The real dickhead!
by GERN BLANSTEN | Oct 20, 2007
That would be me because I'm the one who posted the newest Kelly Jay post!
Need proof? Go to Nuvo's shitty forums and search Gern Blansten's posts to see how I troll Kelly Jay ceaselessly!
It gives my worthless life a little meaning, you know?
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by Kelly Jay | Oct 19, 2007
Hey Hammer, I've got a good one for you.
This year I'm going to be a dickhead. I don't even have to WEAR A COSTUME!!!!
Get it? Because I AM A DICKHEAD!!!!
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fess up!!!!!
by KELLY JAY | Oct 18, 2007
Steve, I think you stole the idea of dressing up for Halloween as the twin towers from me when I posted it on the old message board (remember? the one that used to not be dead? HAHAHAHA).
The idea was to take a long box such as what a roll of fabric or carpet comes in, paint it up to look like the towers, have half a model airplane protruding from it, spray paint some cotton wadding black and glue it to the sides for the smoke and then tie some tiny toy people with string to simulate those who jumped out of the building. Of course, you need a PARTNER because without TWO of them, it wouldn't be right, eh?
I remember the outrage it started on the board when I posted that, just as I planned...........
But that wasn't as good as the time when someone asked what should be done on the old Twin Towers site and I said that they should build not one, but TWO phallic symbols.......the TALLEST BUILDINGS IN THE WORLD!!!!!........as a testament to American financial wealth and power. That went over big time!!! :)
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This is your worst article ever.
by Wiccan | Oct 18, 2007
Why are you trying to associate Satan (who is the Christian deity of evil) with Halloween? Halloween is a secular holiday, not religious. It's about candy, partying, and just having fun. Samhain (pronouced sow-en) is the religious holiday we celebrate to honor the dead. We don't even believe in Satan, let along worship him. Try doing some research first. Oh, and if you're too stingy to even hand out candy to little kids... Don't spoil everyone else's fun Mister Scrooge.
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Halloween
by kdjohnson01 | Oct 17, 2007
Normally I enjoy NUVO for the diverse ideology and interesting articles that are thought provoking. However, with this article I am truly disappointed in NUVO’s decision making process. This writer didn’t give me anything to think about other than how sorry I feel for his wife and family. He sounds like a miserable and terribly unhappy elitist. How sad for him. More importantly how sad for us that NUVO decided this was worth printing. However, I suppose that is what makes NUVO and our country great. Everyone is entitled to an opinion no matter how intolerant it may be.
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halloween
by devilhippie | Oct 17, 2007
hail satan.. now gimme yur candy!!
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Samhain (aka Halloween)
by jak the 3rd | Oct 17, 2007
thank you for wasting 10 minutes of my time. (yes i had to re-read it a couple of times to make sure that it was as ignorant as it seemed)
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Haloween
by Wanda Strange | Oct 17, 2007
This all you can think of to write about?
Read up on the history of Haloween.
If you don't want to have a little fun,
don't deprive others.
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