Recent stories by
Steve Hammer
Give thanks to Bush this year
Nov 25, 2008
R.I.P., Mr. Coffee
Nov 19, 2008
Proud to be an American
Nov 11, 2008
On the bus
Nov 5, 2008
Let us begin
Nov 4, 2008


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Help is on the way
by Steve Hammer Sep 30, 2008

One can’t help but feel a little sorry for John McCain and Sarah Palin these days.

In any other year, their brand of kill-the-poor economics and bomb-everyone foreign policy might actually prove appealing to a majority of the electorate. But circumstances have placed them in a spot where they have to defend the policies that caused the first Great Depression of the millennium and people are finally starting to notice.

The presidential debate last week showed, in stark contrast, the styles of the two men seeking to become the 44th president.  Barack Obama was cool, measured and steadfast. McCain was angry, petulant and vindictive, to the point where I thought he was going to walk across the stage and start hitting Obama with his cane.

It’s unfortunate for McCain and Palin that they have to run in this climate. They weren’t the ones who wrecked our economy or sent thousands off to die for no good cause overseas, but they’re the ones who will feel the wrath of voters nationwide next month, providing people have enough food to sustain them until then and they have enough gas to drive to the polls.

The only good news for the Republicans this week is that the soft bigotry of low expectations means that it will be seen as a victory if Palin doesn’t walk off the debate stage in tears on Thursday. As long as she speaks moderately grammatical English, and doesn’t soil herself in fright, she’ll have exceeded the goals set out for her.

Not since the Great Hoosier, Dan Quayle, embarrassed the nation in 1988 has a vice-presidential candidate proved to be as ill-prepared, inarticulate and overmatched as Palin, to the point where it’s becoming sad.

Gov. Palin is a very likable person. If she were a contestant on Survivor, I’d be rooting for her to win. And at some point in the future she may very well have something to offer the nation in terms of leadership. But right now she just looks scared, out of her depth and eager to get this humiliating experience behind her.

There’s an odd sense of anticlimax developing around this presidential election, a feeling that we as a nation are fucked no matter who wins. The damage has been done by Bush and Cheney. Our great nation lies in economic ruins, our moral leadership in the world has been permanently damaged and not even Franklin Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln can pull us out of this one.

If I didn’t love America as much as I do, and if I hadn’t been victimized by the economy of the last eight years as much as I have, I’d be laughing right now and saying that we got what we deserved.

Four years ago we knew enough about Bush and Cheney to know that giving them another term would bring about a massive financial, military and moral crisis and yet roughly 3.5 million more people voted for the Apocalypse over reform in 2004.

Even when Cheney ate a baby on live TV and Bush started talking backwards during a news conference, people still didn’t catch on to the fact that Satan was their co-pilot. Not even Condi Rice turning her head 360 degrees and vomiting pea soup on Katie Couric during an interview tipped people off to the evils we had coming to us.

The chickens have come home to roost and they’re finding out that the farmer doesn’t have any feed left because he mortgaged everything and gave the proceeds to the Chinese and to Halliburton.

The most interesting thing about last week’s debate is how similar it was to the first Bush-Kerry debate of 2004. Obama repeated the same things Kerry said back then: the Iraq war was a mistake, we failed to find bin Laden in Afghanistan because of a strange obsession with Saddam Hussein and that our economic policies are killing the country.

Kerry was an imperfect messenger who allowed himself to be damaged by lies about his record. Obama, though, has learned the lessons of how to fight back effectively and will not allow the same thing to happen to him.

Or so we hope. A country dumb enough to vote in two substance abusers with a God complex not once but twice might be foolish enough to do so a third time. That’s why it’s so vitally important that you vote early, and often, this year.

It’s too bad that an honorable man like John McCain has to take the blame for the excesses of the last eight years. But that’s the way it’s going to have to be. If we want to stamp out the Satanism of the last eight years, poor ole John has to go.

The most encouraging thing we can say at this point is, ironically, something John Kerry used to say: Help is on the way.

Comments on Help is on the way
Poop!
by ANONTHERMOUSE | Oct 6, 2008

"My Refutation" by: HUMMER CANERFFIN DIAF! *Ahem* Hammer = Poop! TaDaaah! /liiiiibbbbbbb! *shuffles* LIIIBBBBBB!

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huh?
by Steven W | Oct 4, 2008

Could my eyes be deceiving me? Did Hammer seriously just criticize McCain for being angry? The man who wrote of his obsession to attack those who believe differently than hisself has the gall to note someone else's anger? I know it's a bit of a long shot, but I would love to be the fly on Hammer's wall should McCain/Palin take out the Obama the terrorist on election night (this is, of course, assuming there is a place on Hammer's wall that is not covered in his feces).

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by Josey Wales | Oct 4, 2008

Hammer is the personification of whining liberals.

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stoopid bush
by truthBtold | Oct 4, 2008

If Bush hadn't stolen the election Hammer's life would be so much better.

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what a putz
by Jack Hoff | Oct 4, 2008

Hammer is a putz. He's one of those guys who never made anything out of his pathetic life so he just bitches and moans about how life is so unfair. The only joy he gets in life is when he can piss someone off in one of his columns. Guy needs to get laid. But considering what a fat ugly bastard he is, that's not very likely.

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Where'd these guys come from?
by ARe You Kidding | Oct 4, 2008

Hmmm, The previous two commentors lack of ability to offer up a decent opinion or actually argue the point does not prevent them from personally attacking the writer. Sound familiar? ARe they speech writers for the republican convention?

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Zzzzzzzzz...
by Jack The Ripple | Oct 3, 2008

Yawn. It's nice to see Hammer dropping F Bombs in his writing again. Class always has a way of showing through, doesn't it? Apparently when he moved from his former feces-smeared hovel to his new padded cell, he failed to bring along his copy of Roget's Thesaurus. Oh well, he never read it anyway. He always thought it was the story of a young boy and his dinosaur. The most encouraging thing we can say at this point is, ironically, something John Kerry used to say: Buy my wife's catsup. Wake me when Kevin The Pimp finally replaces him with the coloring page I keep requesting.

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cry baby liberal
by Hammer sucks | Oct 3, 2008

What a loser Hammer is, always bitching about everything. Typical liberal. No wonder the best job he can get is writing for a rag that is so sleazy it has to be given away. After you read Hammer, turn the page and read the 8 pages of ads for escort services and Asian massage parlors. Piece of shit writer for a piece of shit paper.

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