Daily newspapers in danger
by Egor S Grand Oct 19, 2005

Egor S. Grand
It has been noted that readership of daily newspapers is aging rapidly. Some dailies have been forced to launch hip, edgy newsweeklies in an effort to drive readership to their daily products. (In our own city, The Indianapolis Star launched INtake nearly two years ago in an effort to do just that.) Recent statistics on newspaper readership have pointed toward an even more disturbing trend. According to a new study, conducted by the bipartisan and respected Whoopeedo Institute, the majority of daily newspaper readers are in fact dead. This statistic was based on actual experiences as volunteers from the Whoopeedo Institute went door to door to ask citizens direct questions about their daily newspaper reading behavior. Time and again these volunteers would encounter aged people, sitting in chairs, the newspaper spread before them as if in a reading pose, but the people were dead. One volunteer who requested anonymity told us, “It’s really creepy. I mean, I found six dead people this morning alone.” While no one at Whoopeedo is suggesting that reading the daily newspaper actually can kill someone, institute spokesperson Dale Motormouth told us, “There is a sense of responsibility we bear to warn readers of daily newspapers. We even think their spin-off newsweeklies may create the same sort of, uh, reaction.” The Whoopeedo Institute will publish these findings next week in the Journal of Exciting Findings.
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