Oil for blood
by Egor S Grand Sep 21, 2005
A chance incident on the White House lawn today revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney’s veins and arteries are filled with oil, not blood. This morning, as Cheney made his way to an awaiting helicopter, he tripped and stumbled, scraping his hand on an assistant’s briefcase. While the agile-for-his-age Cheney did not fall, he did suffer a cut that subsequently began to bleed.
Various aids, along with this reporter, gazed in a kind of awed silence as the wound on his hand began to emit a dark, viscous fluid.
Cheney, for his part, did not try and hide the injury. “Texas tea,” he said, somewhat under his breath, winking at the aid whose briefcase had caused the accident.
In follow-up questions, Cheney admitted that in fact blood does not flow through his veins, but oil. His doctors refused to answer our phone calls, but Cheney contends that he doesn’t know the origin of this phenomenon, nor “do I think it’s all that unique. For all I know many, many people have oil running their anatomy instead of blood.”
A quick survey of White House employees revealed that a handful of Bush Administration people do admit to having oil in their veins, though the president himself was not forthcoming.
While this is not an exhaustively studied area, researchers are split between those who believe it’s a pre-existing situation — i.e. people are born with it — and those who believe the blood is slowly replaced by oil after an extended period of time working in the petroleum industry.
Asked whether this heretofore hidden condition could help solve our domestic oil conundrum, Cheney grinned and said, “Hook me up.”
Then he paused and said, “Better yet, go hook yourself up.”
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