Once upon a time, back when slavery seemed God directed and indentured servitude passed as labor relations, our founding fathers found themselves in a pickle. Public executions had lost their crime-deterrent punch. Worse, stoning seemed so Old Testament, the guillotine so French and the firing squad so non-civilian. And hanging was nothing to get all choked up about.

What a shame! Hanging had so much potential, what with the pomp and circumstance of a trial, a minister’s prayers, a public apology and a snap into eternity: an entertaining, educational experience for all.

That was the ideal, not what happened day to day. Although the condemned did occasionally warn youth of the consequences of sin, more often he/she shouted obscenities, condemned the condemners and/or collapsed before the noose was snugly in place. And if the condemned was a local citizen, disgruntled relatives often demanded state-paid legal representation, an expense that turned miscreants into celebrities.

Add to this America’s uncanny ability to turn a lesson plan into a party, and you can see why state leaders assumed there had to be a better way. Sure, liquor sales were up, but so was wanton destruction. “Just desserts” were confused with pastries, and all the hooting and hollering proved many had missed the point.

There was one other teensy-weensy problem. Social malcontents complained that hanging was cruel and unusual punishment. If the noose was slightly loose, the condemned gurgled before slowly strangling to death. And if the noose was a smidgen too tight, the head popped off. The dilemma then was to find a form of execution that discouraged potential murderers but did not make the executioners appear more bloodthirsty than the condemned.

Fortunately, modern 19th century science arrived in the nick of time. In 1882, Thomas Alva Edison established the nation’s first central-station light system using DC current. Four years later, George Westinghouse installed the first AC system. Both worked, but AC was more efficient and traveled farther. The situation sparked Edison’s ire. Westinghouse was a usurper, about to make huge profits on his bright idea. To stop him, Edison would alert the world to the danger of AC. Putting personal beliefs aside (he despised the death penalty), Edison ordered his assistants to construct an AC electric chair.

While Edison’s crack team experimented on stray dogs and horses, certain social spoilsports and old-fashioned humanists questioned this new form of execution. Edison insisted that death would be instantaneous, but since no one survived a lethal dose of electricity, how could one know for sure? Edison argued that the AC current traveled faster than nerve endings could sense pain. The writhing and jerking only proved AC was too dangerous for everyday use.

Enter William Kemmler, who, in a drunken stupor, murdered his almost wife. His lawyer (paid by Westinghouse?) argued that his client was innocent by reason of alcohol-induced insanity, but the all-male, no-nonsense jury decided otherwise. Kemmler would be the first to light up the electric chair. When informed of this privilege, he asked only that it be done right.

On Aug. 6, 1890, William Kemmler left his Auburn Penitentiary cell to be zapped with 1,300 volts of AC current, using a stolen Westinghouse generator. Edison’s experiments had proved that 10 seconds should be “instantaneous” enough, but the ever-cautious warden insisted on 17. When the current was turned off and the criminal declared dead, a Buffalo dentist stated, “We live in a higher civilization from this day.” A hearty congratulations was shared by all.

But then Kemmler began to breathe. This was worse than a head flying off! The warden, never one to panic, ordered the electrical apparatus reconnected and juiced the man for a full 54 seconds. Although it took nearly three hours for the body to cool, this time Kemmler was dead, dead, dead. Again. Said the attending doctor: “The man never suffered an iota of pain.” Maybe.

The truth is these great minds missed a golden opportunity. If they had revived William, he could have solved the riddle of lethal doses of electricity and pain. Was this execution more civilized or less? As it was, witnesses say the body arched, body fluids flowed, blood vessels burst, the brain evaporated and blue flames emitted from several Kemmler orifices, while the fragrance of roasting meat filled the room. Although never mentioned in any biography, Edison had just invented the first microwave oven — without the waves and without the oven.

Although some Westinghouse advocates were still skeptical, the rest of the scientific and political world declared Kemmler’s demise a huge success. America had found an improved way of eliminating its unwanted. One newspaper headline stated: KEMMLER WESTHINGHOUSED and Edison himself suggested that the wannabe follow in Guillotine’s footsteps. For the next 100 years, 26 states (reinforced by the U.S. Supreme Court’s wisdom) agreed that poaching our most deranged is a legitimate and humane form of execution.

And so, when the world asks, “How in God’s name does America justify capital punishment and still believe itself a peaceful, civilized nation?” we respond, “Technology has an answer for everything.” Hank Fincken is an Indianapolis writer and performer.