The following statement has been issued on behalf of the Queen (TFSIBQ):

Feb. 10, 2005: The Duke of Edinburgh and I are very happy that The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles are to marry. We have given them our warmest good wishes for their future together.

(TFSIBQ): Feb. 14: The Duke of Edinburgh and I are very happy that The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles are to marry. We have given them a lovely card for Valentine’s. Lovely, lovely. And such a bargain. 3 pounds sixpence at Hallmark.

(TFSIBQ): Feb. 19: The Duke of Edinburgh and I are very happy that The Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles are to marry. Thank God the boys look like Diana, eh? Good Christ. Squidgie. Ew.

(TFSIBQ): Feb. 22: The Duke of Edinburgh and I are very - oh, horseshit. Maybe now the little simp will cease his whining about how me and his flitty little father never loved him. Charles - be a man, for God’s sake.

(TFSIBQ): March 1: Darkness — darkness! Ah, the melancholy of the castle at nigh! No sound save for a small humming. No movement but the gentle caresses of a small device I am gently — you’re not writing this down, are you? Stop that and bring me another flagon of ale! Twit.

(TFSIBQ): March 15: The Duke of Edinburgh and I wish to assure the good people of the British Isles that the royal jewels will not fall into a commoner’s hands. Even though they already have. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Please tip your waitresses as you exit.

(TFSIBQ): April 9: The Duke of Edinburgh and I would like to apologize for the Duke’s behavior at the reception honoring the union of the Prince of Wales and his new bride. We cannot stress enough that the Duke used the term ‘horse-faced slut’ in the most endearing manner possible. Although the events which transpired after the issuance of the aforementioned phrase were admittedly ugly, we are happy to report that the injuries which were sustained by the involved parties were minor. Contrary to published reports, this was an isolated incident and the Duke will not seek treatment for substance abuse. Thank you.

Wank & O’Brien are married before the Queen every morning on Real 97.1.