[this is satire]

The Rev. Sun Myung Moon was crowned Messiah in the U.S. Capitol this March, according to sources at www.salon.com. Moon, dressed in maroon robes and wearing an ornate gold crown, said, “Now that America is officially a Moonie nation, I will save every American. I am none other than humanity’s Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent.”

Moon promised to rewrite the Constitution to promote “Godism,” in honor of America’s Unification heritage, which Moon said dates back to the Founding Fathers. Moon also vowed to tear down Christian crosses, stating they were an obstacle to the unification. He also promised to deliver an apology from the Jews for delivering Jesus to the Romans. In addition, he promised to “purge” all homosexuals, calling them “dung-eating dogs.”

Religious Right figures had no comment on Moon’s coronation. “Rev. Moon has given me a considerable amount of money to support Liberty University,” said Jerry Folderol of the Moral Mob. “He can say whatever he wants. Besides, I personally believe he was sent by God — he’s got so much money that he donates to my causes.” Dr. James Robson of Focus on the Familiar agreed.

“We’re trying to pass amendments to ban abortion and gay marriage,” Robson said. “We don’t have time to discuss who the Messiah is or whether or not Rev. Moon’s coronation is prophetic.”

Only George W. Bush condemned Moon’s coronation.

“Everyone knows I’m sent by God,” Bush said. “Anyone else who claims that is obviously a false prophet and should be arrested under the Patriot Act.”