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Sports
Pacers poised to shock the world with 97-74 victory
by Steve Mitchell
Jun 5, 2002

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Croshere traded for Christ
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Columns
A rough Thursday
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An open letter to Larry
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Dreams of hoop
by Jim Poyser
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Sports
Pistons dynasty ends, Dallas begins
by Steve Hammer
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High school basketball
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Break up the Pacers
by Steve Hammer
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Big money!
by Ed Wank Jul 30, 2003

[this article is satire] Jermaine O’Neal just signed a seven-year deal with the Indiana Pacers for 126 million bucks. Since playing in the NBA is a full-time, 24/7 commitment — what with physical conditioning, constant media scrutiny and the morals clause in every player’s endorsement deals dictating top-shelf behavior at all times — I decided to figure out what O’Neal will make hour-by-hour throughout the entire course of the seven years no matter what he’s doing. My math isn’t the best, but it looks to me like Jermaine will gross approximately $2,058 for every single hour that he’s a Pacer during the length of this contract. That boils down to $34.30 a minute. Which means: • During a healthy eight-hour night’s sleep, O’Neal will make 16,464 bucks. • If he listens to one full four and a half hour Wank and O’Brien Show, he’ll make $9,261. • If his commute from Geist to Conseco takes about 40 minutes, he’ll pull in 1,372 clams. • And if he watches one episode of Will and Grace, he’ll make $1,029. (If you exclude commercials, then the actual content of any sitcom is 22 minutes. One could argue that Jermaine only makes $754.60 during one segment of Must-See TV on NBC.) • According to most physicians, the average human being uses the john six times a day. If five of those visits average about a minute each with the remaining pit stop requiring roughly a four-minute squat, then Mr. O’Neal makes $308.70 to go to the loo every day. • The place where I get the oil changed in my car promises to have me on my way in 10 minutes. Lube, oil and filter for Jermaine’s ride — whether it’s a Rolls, a Bentley or an H2 — should pay the man 343 bucks. • The last time I ordered a pizza, the guy on the phone told me my pie would arrive in 45 minutes. While I was waiting to see if they actually got the toppings right, Jermaine O’Neal raked in $1,543.50. • Me and the missus had a leisurely dinner the other night — 90 minutes worth. Jermaine made $3,087. • The average movie these days runs about two hours, or $4,116 in Jermaine money. • The good folks at the Kinsey Institute tell us that — despite all of our bragging — coitus for us featherless bipeds lasts all of two minutes. Jermaine would then theoretically make $68.60 per boink. Since he’s a guy, we’ll toss in 30 seconds of cursory foreplay for a grand total of $85.75. Before you get all self-righteous about these figures and start ranting about the relative pay of teachers, firemen and cops, remember: This is gross income, not net. Given Jermaine’s tax bracket, some standard deductions and the 15 percent that’s gonna go to his agent, O’Neal’s only making about 47 bucks during the act of love. OK? Wank & O’Brien rake in the bucks every weekday morning on RadioNow, 93.1.

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