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Sports
Pacers poised to shock the world with 97-74 victory
by Steve Mitchell
Jun 5, 2002

Columns
A rough Thursday
by Steve Hammer
May 7, 2003

Humor
Big money!
by Ed Wank
Jul 30, 2003

Columns
An open letter to Larry
by Steve Hammer
Sep 3, 2003

Letters
A serious Pacers fan
by Letter to the Editor
Dec 21, 2005

Arts
Artistically yours
by Carson Stevedore
Jul 10, 2002

Arts
Into the frying pan
by Dale Daleson
Aug 7, 2002

Arts
Oasis, Oboy
by Roscoe Steed
Aug 14, 2002

Arts
it
by David G. Howard
Aug 28, 2002

Arts
Local companies eschew Sept. 11 advertising
by Egor S Grand
Sep 11, 2002

Croshere traded for Christ
by David G. Howard Jul 31, 2002

A golden opportunity

Today the Pacers" front office confirmed it has agreed to trade Austin Croshere for Jesus Christ. A spokesman for Donnie Walsh made the announcement today from a press conference in the lobby of Conseco Fieldhouse. Walsh has been known to go to unusual lengths in search of a player who can fill a void on the team. At first, David, King of Israel, was mentioned, what with the well-publicized success against Shaq-like Goliaths. However, he is still under a ban by the NBA over a the scandal concerning his coveting the wife of Uriah. "We had our eye on the Nazareth Basketball League, NBL, for a number of seasons," the spokesman announced. "As you know, their ranks were for years decimated by despotic rulers, diseases and floods. However, at the moment we felt that we had a golden opportunity between the seven year locust and the end of the world as we know it." Christ has played for three seasons for the Dead Sea Scrollers, averaging 17 ppg and six rebounds. But, the two stats that stand out are his 97 assists a game and 100 percent from the line. "The guy"s amazing. He helps everybody. Plus, we"ve never seen a call go against him. He just looks at the refs and they give him the call, then he goes to the line, bounces the ball twice, scores. He also picks up two or three assists a game by healing the blind and crippled. We"ll sell out the house every night!" Physically, at 6-foot-1 and 135 pounds, there was concern with him being able to handle an 82 game season. An article in Sports Medicine Monthly stated that frequent hunger strikes and passive resistance to marauding Roman Armies reduces physical fitness an average of 52 percent. "Sure, we read that study, and this concerned us at first. But we figured, hey, if a guy can be dead for three days, then come back and score a triple double, playing 35 minutes, he shouldn"t have a problem. The hair, the tunic. This may usher in an entire new fashion trend in athletics." An article in Galilee Sports Gazette states that Jesus travels with a sizable entourage numbering in the thousands. Though not known to be unruly, his penchant of turning water into wine and attracting prostitutes has the city leaders taking extra precautions. The Indianapolis Police Department has been alerted, but stated simply, "If Speedway cops can do the Brickyard, we can handle the friggin" Holy Savior." Croshere was not available for comment. However, in an unusually introspective statement read by his agent, Croshere said, "I am disappointed to be leaving the Pacers. I felt I had more to give the team, but at the same time, how often does a team get a chance to bring in the Son of God. I"m afraid I can"t compete with that. I look forward to playing for the Scrollers. I hear the playoffs in that league can be rather severe, what with the bloodletting and all. But, hell, if you win the championship in the NBA all you get is a ring. If you win in the NBL, you get a lifetime supply of virgins and eternal salvation. That"s worth giving up $7 mil a year."

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