Baggage Claim

Lou

Friendly fire

Dear Lou,

Your Just Joe and Woman of a Certain Age letters gave me pause to consider, not my relationships with men, but with women. I am a 30-year-old, mostly-happily-married, relatively hip woman who has encountered a string of unsatisfying friendships in the past decade or so (we won’t even include the gals from high school). I agree with Joe in that a lot of women I meet (and this seems worse somehow since I’m not dating them) seem unstable, weak, unforgiving. What is it about ladies in their 20s and early 30s that makes them so un-adept at creating and maintaining healthy, stable relationships with other women?

I recently went through two “break-ups” with people I’d called really close friends. One of them continually dumped me for sociopaths and the other only wanted me around when it was convenient for her (late-night crying jags, angry phone calls about this or that jerk). Is there something in me that attracts these people, something I don’t recognize? If so, how can I meet and create healthy long-term friendships with people who aren’t taking advantage of my diplomacy and kindness?

I’m beginning to think I will end up completely friendless. Perhaps even your readers have some advice.

Thanks,
Friendless in Indianapolis

Dear Friendless in Indianapolis,

I know how heartbreaking it can be to discover someone you thought was a friend doesn’t actually care about you, or is basically horrible, or both. I’ve been there, we’ve all been there, and while there’s no foolproof way to avoid being ambushed by a jerk in disguise, there are actually some things you can do to protect yourself and, like I said last week, tip the scales in favor of meeting good people. I learned the following from sad experience; hopefully these will help you too.

There is no need to toughen up or hide the fact you’re a decent person. But what you might want to examine is how quickly you dole out trust. Don’t let loneliness rush you into more intimacy than is wise. Make friends earn your trust over time.

Take time to examine the reciprocity of your friendships. Are you getting back as much as you give? Are you listened to? Respected? If conversations revolve around your friend and her problems with no inquiry into your life, something is amiss.

Make sure you see people for who they are rather than who you wish they were. The psychos and mean-asses are able to keep up the nice act longer because those they prey on actually help them. When we really want someone to be a good person, we’ll sometimes attribute positive qualities to them, which they don’t actually possess (I do this — chronically — so trust me).

Have fun, have faith and have a head on your shoulders. The good ones are out there. You will find them.

P.S. Ridiculously simplistic quick tip: volunteer. Nice people tend to be out helping others, and you could make new friends while making the world a better place!