NSA calls off phone surveillance

Egor S. Grand

In a surprising move yesterday the NSA abruptly ceased all its phone call surveillance programs. While some believe the move to be in response to the overwhelming outcry against President Bush and the intelligence community, NSA spokesperson Dale Deckarding claimed otherwise.

“A couple things became obvious,” Deckarding told reporters. “One is it just wasn’t working. I mean, we weren’t getting any information that was helpful.”

Part of the reason for this, Deckarding said, is that “The terrorists, after all this press coverage, simply stopped using phones and started using other technology, like carrier pigeons.”

Consequently, he added, there is “nothing of interest to listen to.”

“The other thing,” Deckarding continued, “is … well, I’ll just be blunt. Y’all are boring. I mean we listened to millions of calls over the past couple years and y’all are stupid and self-obsessed and petty and racist and sexist and … well you get the idea. If we never listen to another conversation about myspace or Lindsay Lohan or Barry Bonds, we’ll be very very happy.”

Deckarding closed by saying that the NSA is developing a new strategy of capturing and interrogating carrier pigeons employed by Al Qaeda.