Haiku Year In Review

INTERNATIONAL

Bush and Blair are the
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
of our history

after seeing the
tsunami news I need a
gin and tectonic

Kyrgystan protest
centers around having too
many consonants

Afghans outraged by
reports U.S. thinks Koran
is squeezably soft

Senate agrees to
pick Bolton if job title
will be “ambasshole”

election results
unclear: is it GerMany
or GerWomany?

Iran spews hatred
playing right into Bush’s
Armageddon game

NATIONAL

President George Bush
is administered the oath
by Chief Darth Vader

Schiavo case creates
feeding tube flowing into
GOP coffers

Christian support for
Bush second term includes those
who speak in forked tongues

thousands of lives too
late panel finds that U.S.
intelligence sucks

DeLay believes that
judicial branch has fallen
too far from the tree

stalled nomination,
social security: Bush
gets taste of lame duck

conservative struck
at Butler with liberal
American pie

I don’t care if you
do “support our troops” you still
drive like an asshole

Illinois will run
own stem cell research leaving
Bush blue in the face

Rudolph sentenced to
life playing in somebody
else’s reindeer games

NRA cancels
Columbus visit taking
their Uzis straight home

energy bill has
created a brand new form
of fuel: pork fat

Boy Scouts consider
instituting new Merit
Badge for bad karma

Indiana priest
arrested for holding mass
in public bathroom

Pat Robertson’s mouth
one of the seven signs of
the Apocalypse

what New Orleans needs
to clean after Katrina
is the Big Squeegee

only the Mother
of all Mothers could cut short
Bush’s vacation

Katrina: noun used
to describe something worse than
initially thought

FEMA: Federal
Exercise in Making sure
friends are Advantaged

Sandy Berger fined
fifty thou for acting like
Winona Ryder

Rita arrives in
a tizzy; battle of the
diva hurricanes

DeLay indicted
on a felony charge as
the Hammer is nailed

only way to count
sum of GOP scandals
is with fuzzy math

overestimate
of storm evacuees leaves
the Red Cross red faced

senators declare
yes to Arctic Drilling, screw
you to caribou

five count indictment
suggests that Scooter may have
ad-libbyed too much

Hurricane Wilma
knocks Florida all the way
back to the Stone Age

Kansas wins design
battle while in Dover they’re
caught chasing their tails

SCIENCE

discovery of
bird thought to be extinct gives
watchers a woody

Swedish researchers
discover gays are guided
by their fairymones

researchers find one
gene shifts sex preference and
makes fruit flies fruity

scientists in South
Korea clone dog making
a Rin Tin Tin Tin

two-thirds polled believe
Santa Claus is pregnant with
the Easter Bunny

an inhaled form of
insulin by Pfizer gives
Eli Lilly pfits

the intelligent
design advocates are just
pandering pandas

research shows Arctic
ice cap is shrinking to size
of a yamika

can we send the rains
of the northeast to the fires
of California?

three foot tall remains
raise questions about ancient
species of Mini-mes

BUSINESS

Guidant failure to
disclose defibrillator
flaw does seem heartless

Ebbers gets twenty
five years as yet another
tycoon faces doom

Sony BMG
clears payola suit with me
this haiku is free

Adidas absorbs
Reebok, turning biz into
a really big shoe

the Vioxx jury
awards victim’s wife, wiping
the smirk off of Merck

Dennis Kozlowski
is sentenced to pissing gin
for fellow inmates

EEOC files
lawsuit against Fox News for
trashing the henhouse

Guidant sues Johnson
& Johnson Corporation
for breaking its heart

ENTERTAINMENT

proposed spending cuts
at PBS may require
that Big Bird be plucked

Pistons pummel poor
Pacers whose poise persisted
post-Palace pickle

runaway bride checks
herself in because she’s a
girl interrupted

Pitt, Aniston split
cite irreconcilable
similarities

Palmeiro: a noun
used to describe a giant,
public-level lie

like any rapper
Martha’s prison stint will bring
instant foyer cred

Britney Spears’ bra nets
15 thou in auction think
what her thong would get

MEMORIAL

Sontag, lover of
metaphor, finds her demise
stunningly concrete

actor and singer
Jerry Orbach obeys the
only law that counts

Death of a Tales-man
playwright Arthur Miller is
dead at 89

like Mother T and
Lady Di in one week pass
Pope and Terry Schiavo