GM turns the page

General Motors’ recent financial woes have been ascribed to many things, from its having too many workers to the high cost of health insurance. But these problems have been relatively easy to deal with: The automaker is laying people off and cutting benefits. Problems persist, however. These were summed up by one wag who stated, “The trouble with GM is that they make vehicles no one wants to buy!”

Not for long. At a recent press conference, GM brass unveiled a new line of vehicles they claim will turn the ailing automaker around. “We’ve found our voice,” exulted Vice President for Corporate Breeze Myron Lochness. “We’re turning a new page!”

GM has announced radically new models for 2006. This in itself is nothing new. But GM has based its new vehicles upon literary forms — a first for automotive design. The new GM Prose will offer car buyers with an eye to safety a solid, if somewhat conservative design. “The Prose is designed to get you from here to there. It has clean lines and a minimum of embellishment,” Lochness said.

This, in contrast to the GM Satire, a spunky sports car that, with its retro rag top and wire wheels, parodies the sports car concept.

On the other hand, the GM Memoir is a luxury car that can be customized to fit the needs of even the most neurotic driver.

And, in the RV category, the GM Revision offers something really new: a recreational vehicle with good gas mileage.

“All of these cars have been carefully planned and designed,” Lochness said. “There’s not a hint of stream of consciousness in any of them. In every case our designers have toiled to make every detail of these beauties memorable. From now on, people will think of GM as the G(j)uste Mot.”