State approves funding for not one…

April Fools Special Edition

Members of the Indiana state legislature approved funding today to pay for five new athletic stadiums in Indianapolis. The amount of the total package is still being tallied, but according to State Senator Russ Bubkes (R-Poontang): “You heard right, it’ll cost $40 hundred million.”

The approval of the stadium package followed a tumultuous legislative session during which the sounds of yelping, cheering and hysterical laughter emanating from the well of the Statehouse be could be heard throughout the building. Indeed, people waiting for buses on Capitol St. claimed they could hear the clamour outside. “It sounded like a riot,” said Roberta Shook of Lawrence, “like jello shot night at the Ugly Monkey.”

Observers said this extraordinary development came after legislators became frustrated over agreeing about a funding formula for a new Colts stadium.
“We were sweating and straining to make the numbers line up,” said Bubkes. “It was like being constipated. Then we thought, ‘Hey! Let’s see what happens if we get creative.’”

A holiday mood swept the chamber. Legislators were seen climbing on to their desks and shouting out in a euphoric rage to be heard and contribute ideas. Before the session was over, funding for five new stadiums was approved.
“You’ve heard that saying, ‘Build it and they will come?’” asked Bubkes, in a rhetorical moment. “Well, why stop with ‘it?’ Build THEM and think of all the folks that will come to this great city and state. That’s right: FIVE times as many! You got to spend money to make money. This will be the biggest state project since the building of the Central Canal system.”

Mayor Bart Peterson who, just a week ago, had been fighting to get one stadium built appeared somewhat stunned by events. “You can think of this,” he said, “as creating something that is found nowhere else in the country: A Mall of Stadiums. Why should the mall experience be limited to retail stores? I think our elected representatives deserve a lot of credit for this…breakthrough.”

No one knows yet what teams will play in the new stadium mall, or what sports they will feature. “There’ll be all kinds,” insisted Senator Bubkes. “It will be the biggest thing in the history of the world. Or in the mind of God – who loves sports, by the way.”