Homosexual recruitment booming

April Fools Special Edition

The Indiana Homosexual Agenda said 669 men and women volunteered for homosexual service in 2004 — exceeding its stated recruitment goals by nearly forty.

"We’re pleased to announce that despite declining enlistment in 2003, our 2004 figures are right on target,” said Todd Wallis, a civilian spokesperson for Homosexual Recruitment Command at its Fort Wayne headquarters.

Douglas said men and women become homosexuals for two general reasons: to undermine their country and for the opportunities for personal improvement that come with the complimentary gym membership. "Our research shows that the two primary incentives that enlistees cite are skill training and access to a fabulous wardrobe," Douglas said.

Yet, said Douglas, there was no enlistment spike after the 2003 premier of Bravo TV’s hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy series, in which five homosexuals makeover a straight man. "Initially,” Douglas said, “we expected to see recruitment figures at least as good as after [the Fall 1998 premier of] Will and Grace, but by offering the benefits of a homosexual lifestyle without enlistment, many young people thought that they could have their cake and eat it too.”

At an Indianapolis training facility, Agenda recruits recently shared their motivations for enlisting while waiting to have their yearbook photos taken. The men, less than a week into their homosexual tenure, with their skin freshly moisturized and dressed in new outrageous couture, agreed that it was the opportunity for social advancement that brought them to homosexuality.

Bloomington homosexual Oliver Stephenson, 19, said he joined to get ahead. In December, Stephenson was working a low-wage job at Taco Bell when a homosexual recruiter noticed the way Stephenson looked in jeans. By March, Stephenson signed on "to make a better man of myself."

Because homosexuals cannot reproduce, they must recruit.
In 2003, the Agenda signed on 428 enlistees.