GAY AGENDA FOUND

April Fools Special Edition

The LGBT community in Indianapolis has vacated the city after a document was found at a raid in a gay bar near downtown.

Police raided the bar sometime after 2:30 a.m. last Friday. During the raid the "gay agenda" was found, along with thousands of dollars in retail merchandise. At the time of the raid, it was unclear as to why the gay bar would house so many electronic and household appliances. However, after the document was reviewed it explained their agenda in detail.

Here is the document that was found:

Congratulations on becoming gay. We're excited to have you on-board! In addition to being publicly ridiculed and scrutinized by the government, you can also obtain many fabulous prizes. Because we cannot reproduce, we have to recruit. (Please refer to the Gay Handbook for ideas on how to recruit, however, kidnapping is discouraged).

You are expected to recruit one person every six months. If you go over your one-person every six month quota you will receive one or more of the following.

1-2 People: Season One of The L Word or Queer as Folk

2-4 People: Home Computer (Desktop or laptop) or DVD/VCR Combo (Chat Room Ready!)

4-6 People: 20" Flat screen television or Home Theater Sound System

6-8 People: Two round trip tickets to anywhere in the continental U.S., plus two tickets to any Cher concert

10+ People: Your very own pool boy/girl for 6 months (If you do not have a pool, a lawn boy/girl can be substituted

Please keep in mind, people over the age of 45 do not count. Also, people under 18 have double points.

Have fun recruiting!

Charles Nelson Riley President of the Movement and Recruitment of Gays

At press time, it was unclear where the Indianapolis LGBT community is located now. However, several other major cities in red states were also affected by these events.