New discovery about Bush

Medical officials both in and outside the White House were astonished by recent revelations that President George W. Bush is actually dead. His status as deceased is unquestioned as his annual medical check-up at Washington General Hospital last week revealed that Bush had no heartbeat, no brainwaves and no pulse.

“It’s absolutely amazing,” said Dr. Milson, the doctor in charge of the team of specialists that look after the president. “He’s dead, but somehow he just keeps going.”

Speculation as to the moment of his death are far-flung, but a number of unnamed White House sources now believe that President Bush died the day — years ago — when he choked on a pretzel.

“Guess he didn’t cough it up,” shrugged one such unnamed White House source. “Guess the pretzel won after all.”

When queried as to how doctors may have missed his death in last year’s check-up, Dr. Milson replied that Bush’s “medical records are routinely destroyed after two months. We can’t keep all that sensitive information just laying around.”

Dr. Milson went on to cite President Bush’s “extraordinary resolve and stubbornness” as an explanation for how the president could be both dead and seemingly functioning as the leader of the Free World.

“I don’t pretend to understand it,” Milson added, “but it sure makes me proud to be an American.”

John Kerry reacted to the news by stating that “George Bush had better come out and tell all the world the truth, that he is in fact dead.”

Bush, in a campaign appearance in Pennsylvania, brushed off Kerry’s remarks as well as his doctors’ proof of his death. “I have no time for death,” he told the crowd. “Death is for weaklings and flip-floppers.”

Accusations that he is but a puppet of Dick Cheney’s were similarly met with a characteristic, purse-lipped scowl. “See these arms?” he said, waving them around. “No strings on me, boys, no strings on me.”

Bush then stared into space for seven minutes, during which the assembled crowd wondered if he might keel over and act as dead as doctors say he is. He revived, however, and went on with his speech, which was met with ovation after ovation.