Leading the blessed life

Despite the fact that we have a crappy president and it’s looking like My Bitch Mitch is going to be our next governor, I still lead a blessed life, especially compared to most of the people I know.

Sure, I’m a fat SOB who’s pushing 40 and has health problems, but I’m blessed because I’ve finally turned my life around and have high hopes for the future, even if the Satanists and Republicans win the election.

Until the First Amendment is repealed in the next Patriot Act, I still have the right to peaceably petition the government with my ever-growing list of grievances.

I’m optimistic because I’m still assuming there will be elections held this November and that the Republicans won’t get away with stealing it again. Just in case, I’m stocking up on survival gear, ammo and supplies to get me through the civil war that will result from another stolen election. And that makes me optimistic, because I think freedom would win that particular war.

I also have a great support team behind me, both personally and professionally. I have a great doctor, a hottie nurse and free health care until the end of the year.

I also have a spiritual advisor who’s been giving me pointers on navigating through the junk in my life. I don’t want to call out his name, but he’s a brilliant man and New Testament scholar who can rock the Gospel with the best of them.

But what I’m most concerned about is that nobody has been making an effective moral case against George W. Bush. All of the religious talk in the election has been coming from the Republicans, and their message has basically been that Bush is Jesus’ hand-picked man for the job.

I’m sorry, but my Lord and Savior doesn’t belong to any political party. And if He did, He probably wouldn’t tell you how to vote. He might tell you to go help someone instead of spending all this time arguing about politics.

But since I’m an earthbound sinner man, I can tell you this with absolute certainty: Nothing will advance the cause of Armageddon and world destruction more than four more years of Bush and Cheney.

If you’re looking forward to all the cool things in the book of Revelation — taking on the mark of the beast, the four horsemen, the seven angels and all that — then, by all means, vote to re-elect the president.

If, however, you believe in embodying the words of Christ through helping your fellow man eradicate poverty and end wars, then John Kerry and John Edwards are your team for the future.

If Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are your spiritual counselors, then you’re a Bush man. But if you believe in the teachings of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., then check out what John Kerry, John Edwards and the Democrats have to offer.

Brother Martin was suspicious of all politicians, not just Republicans. And he was even more suspicious of politicians who justify wars with religious talk.

“Every time we drop our bombs in North Vietnam,” King said in 1967, “President Johnson talks eloquently about peace. What is the problem? They are talking about peace as a distant goal, as an end we seek, but one day we must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but that it is a means by which we arrive at that goal.”

Another time, he said, “We must all learn to live together as brothers or we will all perish together as fools ... I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the way God’s universe is made; this is the way it is structured.”

The Republicans look to the words of Ronald Reagan for comfort. The Democrats have the words of John Kennedy and Bill Clinton to guide them. And we all have the words of the Bible to guide us.

“Ye be not troubled, for these things must come to pass,” the Big Guy says in the Book of St. Matthew. We’re looking at trials, tribulations and despair headed our way. And the only pilot headed directly toward Armageddon is Mr. Bush.

It’s true, we know not what hour our Lord doth come. But if the good man had known what time the thief would arrive, he would have watched and would not have suffered his house to be broken up.

In other words, get ready now to avoid weeping and gnashing of your teeth. We’re headed toward spiritual warfare with a third-stringer at quarterback. Can we not do better? Is Bush the best this country has to offer?

The Bush people think they can celebrate now, spike the ball and dance in the end zone. There’s still a long way to November and more people who agree with Brother Martin than Brother Falwell.

I still think most Christians, and most people, will look at the evidence and send Mr. Bush back home to Texas.

Last week, I wrote about PETA’s objections to the Ringling Bros./Barnum & Bailey Circus. Sarah Thomas, a local animal rights activist, is seeking like-minded people to picket this week’s Ringling Bros. shows at Conseco Fieldhouse. She’s especially looking for people interested in picketing the three Saturday shows. If you agree with her — and me — that this kind of barbaric treatment of animals must be stopped, contact Ms. Thomas at animaladvocatein@aol.com. It’s the right thing to do.