Bride’s head revisited

Dear Lou,

My heart goes out to “Bad Bride.” I think you went toward the right idea in having her talk to her mother, but I think you made it sound easier than it will be. The reason? I think you gave her mother a bit more credit than she seems to me to deserve.

Note that, upon learning there was a wedding in the future, Bride’s mother immediately started telling Bride what wedding she — the mother — was going to arrange. When Bride tried to explain her dream, her mother shoved that idea aside (“... wouldn’t even hear me out.”). Bride’s mother doesn’t care what her dream is. She wants to use her daughter as a tool to build herself up. That’s why she feels her daughter is “ungrateful” — because her daughter isn’t willing to be used (pay back) in return for all the “motherly support” (expense) she gave while raising her. Bride notes that she is worried that if she has the wedding she wants, her mother will make her life miserable. That’s experience talking. Her mother has obviously done something similar in the past.

This issue, sadly, is not about love. It’s about control. Bride’s mother is a woman who cannot let go. She wants to keep control of her daughter as long as she can. It’s going to be a hard slog for Bride. If she and her fiancé want the dream wedding and her mother continues to resist, they should pay for it themselves, thus relieving themselves of any real leverage her mother has over her. If her mother isn’t paying the bills, she cannot get her way by withholding funds. If it’s what they want (and it sounds wonderful), it’ll be worth the time it takes to raise the funds.

Your suggestion of allowing her mother to host something after the wedding — that’s right on target. That will be her mother’s day, which is really what her mother wants out of this: her day.

Glad We Paid for It Ourselves

Dear GWPfIO,

Good points all. I may very well be unduly optimistic about Bad Bride’s mother. And yes, planning a wedding often becomes a staging point for a mother’s realization that she must “let go” of her daughter. As you pointed out, these discussions aren’t really about church ceremonies and banquet halls. Arguments about weddings usually are just ways to dance around the fact that this mother-daughter relationship must now evolve into an adult child and parent one. Eventually, this can be a wonderful thing, but it requires adjustment and acknowledgment of a loss of sorts. In the meantime, it can turn normally nice people into obstinate, unpleasant people. My main concern wasn’t actually the wedding, because you are absolutely right. If worse comes to worst, they can always pay for it themselves. My concern is aiding them through a time of transition, with all the emotional hair-triggers, denial and obtrusiveness that comes with that. The best way to keep these two on speaking terms is to assume that Mom is having a tough time letting go and is perhaps worried about what others will think of her unconventional daughter. These aren’t particularly attractive qualities, but will hopefully subside with a soft approach. Also, Mom may honestly believe that Bride will regret her choices later, and needs gentle convincing otherwise. I concede that Mom might simply be a controlling nag and emotional blackmailer. But she needs a chance to prove she’s not, before her daughter goes in with guns blazing. In any case, you brought up a possibility that, while more grim, should be considered. Thanks for reading, and for sharing your insight.