Bother of the bride

Dear Lou,

I am having a huge problem with my family since I became engaged. My boyfriend proposed to me on July 4, and I was happy about it until July 5. We want to get married in a very small ceremony on the beach in Hawaii, and then just go right into our honeymoon. I’ve never said anything, but that’s been what I’ve dreamed of my whole life. My husband-to-be thinks it’s a great idea, too, and we really want to do this. The problem is my family. Well, not so much my whole family as it is my mother. We went to my parents’ house the next day, and immediately she started planning the wedding! She just assumed that I wanted this big traditional wedding in a church and a reception with everyone we’ve ever met there. When I started to tell her about our plans and our dream for the wedding, she got all defensive and wouldn’t even hear me out. She kept saying that doing something like that, running off and getting married, would be something we would later regret. That we would look back and wish that everyone had been there. But this isn’t what we want, and I know I won’t regret doing it my way except I’m worried about my mother making my life hell. But I’m just not that kind of bride! I don’t want showers, we don’t need gifts and I do NOT want a big wedding. Just our parents and brothers and sisters, grandparents and our very best friends. That’s it! But she says I’m being ungrateful, and that I’ll hurt people’s feelings if I don’t include everyone under the sun. What do I do? Am I being selfish or should I just go ahead with what I want?

Thanks,
Bad Bride

Dear Bad Bride,

You aren’t being selfish or ungrateful. Your wedding day is one of those occasions for which, aside from budget constraints, you really shouldn’t be open to compromise. Explain to your mother, in your softest voice, that the only way you’ll look back on this day with regret is if your wedding didn’t match your girlhood dreams and had nothing to do with who you are. That should put things into perspective for her, and snap her out of worrying about others’ expectations.

Then, it’s time to be the dutiful daughter. She’s the mother of the bride, my dear. Know that she had some dreams of her own about your nuptials. Sweetie, please, let her host something. Why not suggest to her that she use the funds for planning a traditional wedding to fly everyone out for your seaside ceremony? Or perhaps show her pictures of similar weddings to get her excited about helping plan yours. I imagine there will still be dinner and dancing in Hawaii? Perhaps a luau? These are things that can get her involved, which is what we’re really talking about.

Another option is to let her host a party for you upon your return, something more akin to a conventional reception. Then, she can fuss over centerpieces and invite extended family and friends, and have a table for uncomfortable work acquaintances who don’t know anyone there. It may not be your vision, but it gives your mother a chance to say that she loves you, and she’s proud of you, and to welcome your husband to the family. If you don’t want gifts, suggest that people bring a donation to your favorite charity instead. Either way, let her do some version of this. Just remember, love is her motivation, not the desire to make you crazy. Once you meet in the middle, I promise this will be a lot more fun. Congratulations and best of luck!