Rupert TV

Since he became “America’s Favorite Survivor,” many people have been coming up with ideas for the next television show featuring Rupert Boneham. Well, I’m no exception. Here are my ratings-grabbing shows:

The Rupert Makeover Show. Annoying, well-dressed men who are obsessed with their own appearance receive a complete Rupert makeover.

Undercover Rupert. Our hero tries to go out in public without being recognized. Using various disguises — panhandler, house painter, circus strongman, one of the Oak Ridge Boys — Rupert travels around the country waiting for ordinary folk to recognize him. When they do, he gives them a rib-crushing hug.

Grateful Rupert. A television music show featuring Rupert as the veejay who plays nothing but Grateful Dead tunes.

Rupert’s Nightmare Theatre. A tribute to Sammy Terry, the great late-night horror movie host. Rupert is particularly well-qualified for this role: One of his past occupations was cemetery caretaker and gravedigger.

Rupert Sings. With his gravelly-throated baritone voice, Rupert would be ideal to cover songs like Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” and anything by Joe Cocker or Tom Waits. Rupert’s theme song would be a pounding version of Gloria Gaynor’s 1979 disco hit “I Will Survive,” followed by his trademark roar.