New tactic to motivate clean-up

[this is satire]

You’ve all experienced the following: You walk or drive by a yard or empty lot that is litter strewn and/or weed-infested. Now city officials are taking action.

Clean up — or else. In a recent article that we did not write that was printed in a paper that we do not own, we learned that owners of these eyesore properties will face lions.

That’s right. Property owners will face lions.

Puzzled by the city’s plan to let dangerous jungle animals loose upon property owners, we called the Mayor’s Clean Yard Department and talked with Hawk McKnee.

The following is a verbatim exchange:

NUVO: Hello, we here at NUVO are wondering why you’re letting lions loose on people whose yards are ugly.

McKnee: What?

NUVO: Can’t you just fine the people or something? Why lions?

McKnee: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Who’s this?

NUVO: NUVO, the newsweekly here in Indianapolis.

McKnee: I’ve never heard of you. If you want to talk about lions, call the zoo.

So, we called the zoo and asked lion tamer Tim “All-Limbs” Timber for a comment.

Timber: What?

NUVO: Are you responsible for training the lions who are going to attack litter bugs and weed slackers?

Timber: Who the heck is this?

NUVO: NUVO, the newsweekly here in Indianapolis.

Timber: Oh yeah, we use your paper to line cages and stalls and other areas for our animals and birds and whatnot to crap on.

We hung up, affronted at that remark. In fact, we put a firecracker in our phone and blew it up. It’s a useless artifact from a simpler, more innocent time. With no other recourse of communication, we sent “Dolly,” our carrier pigeon, with a list of questions for the Mayor’s Office. Dolly, however, did not return and now we fear she was, you know, killed by one of those lions.