Brother may I?

I have been debating on whether I should write to you or not. I’ve been debating for almost a year now. I introduced my cousin to a dear girlfriend of mine. They hit it off wonderfully. After a year of dating, I caught him making out with this other girl. We were 14 years old at the time. Since she was my dear friend, I felt like I had to tell her. So I went ahead and told her what I had seen. My cousin completely flips out on me about telling her what I had done.

Understandable. I felt so bad for what I had done to their relationship, that I told my cousin, “I will call her up and tell her I made the entire thing up because I secretly had a crush on her.” Which was not true, she was a good friend. She was thrilled that I “made the whole thing up.” I was also instructed to completely avoid her. I was not to talk to her ever again. However, that was very difficult. We talked once in a while every three to four months behind his back. Now, six years later after they dated, they have broken up for good. I want to hang out with her because she is a friend. But he completely hates me for even talking to her. They have that saying “Bros before hos/chicks before dicks.” I’ve hung out with her a couple of times, and I’m always worried how he will react if he ever found out that I was hanging out with her. Is it my fault? Or does he have the problem?

I have this weakness of wanting to help others.

Anon.

Dear Anon,

Your passivity concerns me, but I am absolutely appalled by your cousin’s infantile behavior. You seem like a nice guy, and you were so young when this whole thing blew up. I don’t blame you for not knowing exactly what to do. But it’s been six years and he’s shown no signs of growing up. He’s still trying to order you around. You are only at fault if you cave in to his childish demands. Yah, yah, he’s family, but you know, he’d do well to remember that YOU are also family, oh, and that you’ve done nothing wrong. He’s trying to make you choose between your friend and himself. Don’t fall for it; choose YOURSELF.

If you wish to continue your friendship with this young woman, do so. Don’t lie about it; don’t negotiate for it. His blessings or condemnations are irrelevant here. If he gets mad, who the hell cares? He should be kept at arm’s length anyway. But, if he gets violent or makes threats, that’s when it’s time to let other family members know of his behavior, or perhaps law enforcement, if you think he might go Springer on you. But the last thing you should do is capitulate to someone who is clearly behaving poorly. That hurts everyone involved, it doesn’t even help your cousin. Getting away with being a jackass only encourages more jackassity.

And you, young man. First of all, “bros before hos” is such a silly generalization; let’s not. But here’s the nugget I want you to really pay attention to. Please, please, understand that being a loving friend requires permission from NO ONE. While we’re at it, being a happy, courageous, honorable, generous man also requires permission from NO ONE. Don’t ever ask for it again.